Posts
Saturday 28th February 2009.
Ok so no cryptic metaphors or anything like that today. I'm genuinly hurt.
How can someone go from one extreme feeling to another, always set out to hurt you? While at the same time being so damned hypocritical!
If I did that I wouldn't hear the end of it, but for them to do it is perfectly acceptable...
I can't get my head around the fact that they think it wouldn't hurt me and to just rub my nose in it.
Sometimes I feel like just screaming in their face everything I feel, but I honestly don't think it would have any effect at all. They probably still wouldn't realise.
The worst of it is, it would all be a lot easier if I were able to hate them for it.
Girl hurt.
x.
Saturday 28 February 2009
Thursday 26 February 2009
Girl walking into the darkness.
Thursday 26th February 2009.
Seriously, how fast is this year going? It's actually quite scary.
I've been having one of those days today where I think a lot about that crazy thing we all throw ourselves into every day... life.
I can't decide whether we should plan our time so that we get the most out of it, or would that eventually only limit our fulfillment?
In the end I came to a conclusion (I use the word conclusion very lightly because I'm sure I'll come up with another 'conclusion' at some point).
Every part of our life is like a dark room with doors at either end. When you're younger everything feels safe because you have the light from one door to light your way, as you get older the light becomes more faint and you have to make a decision whether to cross the room in the dark completely naive to what may come across your path, or you can walk against the wall. The wall is a steady route that will get you where you need to be without any worrying complications. As you get older the door at the other end of the room begins to let in light to show you your way, so once again everything becomes a little more clearer allowing you to look back on your room and see everything you've overcome.
So, I guess the biggest decision we ever have to make is whether we walk with one hand on the wall or we risk tripping over something in the darkness. Neither of them are wrong or right, merely different.
A nice feeling about it all is that it's never too late to move towards the wall if you need to, or make your way out into the unknown either. It just may be a little tricker than you may have imagined.
Girl walking into the darkness.
x.
Seriously, how fast is this year going? It's actually quite scary.
I've been having one of those days today where I think a lot about that crazy thing we all throw ourselves into every day... life.
I can't decide whether we should plan our time so that we get the most out of it, or would that eventually only limit our fulfillment?
In the end I came to a conclusion (I use the word conclusion very lightly because I'm sure I'll come up with another 'conclusion' at some point).
Every part of our life is like a dark room with doors at either end. When you're younger everything feels safe because you have the light from one door to light your way, as you get older the light becomes more faint and you have to make a decision whether to cross the room in the dark completely naive to what may come across your path, or you can walk against the wall. The wall is a steady route that will get you where you need to be without any worrying complications. As you get older the door at the other end of the room begins to let in light to show you your way, so once again everything becomes a little more clearer allowing you to look back on your room and see everything you've overcome.
So, I guess the biggest decision we ever have to make is whether we walk with one hand on the wall or we risk tripping over something in the darkness. Neither of them are wrong or right, merely different.
A nice feeling about it all is that it's never too late to move towards the wall if you need to, or make your way out into the unknown either. It just may be a little tricker than you may have imagined.
Girl walking into the darkness.
x.
Tuesday 24 February 2009
Girl craving a little boredom.
Tuesday 24th February 2009.
A day like none before and hopefully none to come.
There are certain times in all of our lives where we suddenly understand what it's like to grow up that little bit more. Just lately it feels like I've been experiencing these moments a lot more often than before. Is it a good thing to learn, or bad that your childhood is leaving you quicker than you're ready to let go?
I miss times when things were simple. When you could do something just because you wanted to and it felt right. When you didn't stop before every action because you had to consider everyone else's feelings towards something. That may seem an incredibly selfish statement to make, but that isn't its intention. I simply miss the simple things.
Is this just the 'teenage years' that we just spend our time pondering The Meaning of Life and everything seems worse than it is? Does it get easier, or is this just the beginning?
When people say they need time, what does that mean? What will they know in a month's time that they don't know deep down right now?
Girl craving a little boredom.
x.
A day like none before and hopefully none to come.
There are certain times in all of our lives where we suddenly understand what it's like to grow up that little bit more. Just lately it feels like I've been experiencing these moments a lot more often than before. Is it a good thing to learn, or bad that your childhood is leaving you quicker than you're ready to let go?
I miss times when things were simple. When you could do something just because you wanted to and it felt right. When you didn't stop before every action because you had to consider everyone else's feelings towards something. That may seem an incredibly selfish statement to make, but that isn't its intention. I simply miss the simple things.
Is this just the 'teenage years' that we just spend our time pondering The Meaning of Life and everything seems worse than it is? Does it get easier, or is this just the beginning?
When people say they need time, what does that mean? What will they know in a month's time that they don't know deep down right now?
Girl craving a little boredom.
x.
Monday 23 February 2009
Girl overwhelmed by a game.
Monday 23rd February 2009.
So we're all playing a big game together. Admit it or not, that is your choice. However your participation isn't up for negotiation.
Every day we join in this fight for who will come out with the guy/ girl they want. The most amusing part of this game is the most it occurs is between two people who actually like each other. Why is that the case?
Why do we spend so much time playing with each other's emotions, creating obstacles and drama, when really everything is plain and simple? Do we do it because we fear the rejection of it all going wrong, that we would have to blame it on ourselves and not someone else? Or possibly just for the fun of the game?
Whatever our motives may be I'm still very unsure of our continuous participation along this course.
I know I won't be the first to start a conversation every time, I know I feel hurt when there's only one 'x' and I know it makes me smile when someone pays particular attention to me more than usual. But I'm still not sure why.
The only conclusion I can possibly come up with is that we're all born into one big game, that we play from a very young age. So, does marriage mean you're too old to play that game anymore? Or is it just a new round?
Girl overwhelmed by a game.
x.
So we're all playing a big game together. Admit it or not, that is your choice. However your participation isn't up for negotiation.
Every day we join in this fight for who will come out with the guy/ girl they want. The most amusing part of this game is the most it occurs is between two people who actually like each other. Why is that the case?
Why do we spend so much time playing with each other's emotions, creating obstacles and drama, when really everything is plain and simple? Do we do it because we fear the rejection of it all going wrong, that we would have to blame it on ourselves and not someone else? Or possibly just for the fun of the game?
Whatever our motives may be I'm still very unsure of our continuous participation along this course.
I know I won't be the first to start a conversation every time, I know I feel hurt when there's only one 'x' and I know it makes me smile when someone pays particular attention to me more than usual. But I'm still not sure why.
The only conclusion I can possibly come up with is that we're all born into one big game, that we play from a very young age. So, does marriage mean you're too old to play that game anymore? Or is it just a new round?
Girl overwhelmed by a game.
x.
Friday 20 February 2009
Girl sorry.
Friday 20th February 2009.
Martin's Birthday.
The day after the night before. I think I've managed to hurt someone I care about, again, but for the right reasons I hope.
Going away on a Climate Change course with my best friend today, should be good to get away for a few days. Plus the fact it's an amazing opportunity.
I really hope everything turns out right, the way people always comfort you and tell you it will. It hasn't yet so I'm still waiting.
Have a good weekend.
Girl sorry.
x.
Martin's Birthday.
The day after the night before. I think I've managed to hurt someone I care about, again, but for the right reasons I hope.
Going away on a Climate Change course with my best friend today, should be good to get away for a few days. Plus the fact it's an amazing opportunity.
I really hope everything turns out right, the way people always comfort you and tell you it will. It hasn't yet so I'm still waiting.
Have a good weekend.
Girl sorry.
x.
Wednesday 18 February 2009
Girl playing a ghost.
Wednesday 18th February 2009.
I've just been looking through my mom and dad's wedding album. It's sort of ghost like for me to look at a captured moment of everyone so happy with what was happening in that one snippet of time. Looking at the faces of people who have no idea how things are going to turn out.
Would they have done it differently if they knew? Or was the experience worth it?
Do you think two people that are so in love should get married just for that reason or shout it be something more than love? Is there anything more than love? Because everyone who gets married is supposedly 'in love' but why do so many of them end badly?
Are there cases when you can't help but love someone forever?
Should people have children so quickly into a relationship or marriage? What if it doesn't work out and you're then stuck with a child that, you may love, but every day it's just a constant reminder of something you didn't do right.
Looking at the wedding album I just want to jump in and scream at them to stop before it goes too far, before they ruin their lives and make a mistake. Maybe then they'd both have been happier?
Or maybe it would have just happened with other people.
Then that scares me, because what if I make a mistake that I have to live with every day? What if I already have?...
Girl playing a ghost.
x.
I've just been looking through my mom and dad's wedding album. It's sort of ghost like for me to look at a captured moment of everyone so happy with what was happening in that one snippet of time. Looking at the faces of people who have no idea how things are going to turn out.
Would they have done it differently if they knew? Or was the experience worth it?
Do you think two people that are so in love should get married just for that reason or shout it be something more than love? Is there anything more than love? Because everyone who gets married is supposedly 'in love' but why do so many of them end badly?
Are there cases when you can't help but love someone forever?
Should people have children so quickly into a relationship or marriage? What if it doesn't work out and you're then stuck with a child that, you may love, but every day it's just a constant reminder of something you didn't do right.
Looking at the wedding album I just want to jump in and scream at them to stop before it goes too far, before they ruin their lives and make a mistake. Maybe then they'd both have been happier?
Or maybe it would have just happened with other people.
Then that scares me, because what if I make a mistake that I have to live with every day? What if I already have?...
Girl playing a ghost.
x.
Tuesday 17 February 2009
Girl ducking.
Tuesday 17th February 2009.
Why doesn't life ever just go smoothly? You have parts that are so incredibly boring you want to cry, and then others when things are flying at you from so many different directions you aren't sure what should be done first.
If you know someone's life is about to change and they don't is that going against every moral going? Surely if it's your life you should know, and not be the last one? How come, in that case, that that is rarely the way it works.
I would do anything to be little again and only have to worry about hiding my shoes so I could play longer.
The bigger you get the bigger the problems, how old is it again before you start to shrink?
Am I in too deep?
Girl ducking.
x.
Why doesn't life ever just go smoothly? You have parts that are so incredibly boring you want to cry, and then others when things are flying at you from so many different directions you aren't sure what should be done first.
If you know someone's life is about to change and they don't is that going against every moral going? Surely if it's your life you should know, and not be the last one? How come, in that case, that that is rarely the way it works.
I would do anything to be little again and only have to worry about hiding my shoes so I could play longer.
The bigger you get the bigger the problems, how old is it again before you start to shrink?
Am I in too deep?
Girl ducking.
x.
Saturday 14 February 2009
Girl out of everything.
Saturday 14th February 2009.
Valentine's day.
Supposed to be the most romantic night of the year.
I end up drunk for the wrong reasons and completely on my own.
FUN
Love and life really don't go together on their own. Like seriously, you can't have one without losing the other.
Girl out of everything.
x.
Valentine's day.
Supposed to be the most romantic night of the year.
I end up drunk for the wrong reasons and completely on my own.
FUN
Love and life really don't go together on their own. Like seriously, you can't have one without losing the other.
Girl out of everything.
x.
Thursday 12 February 2009
Girl prepared.
Thursday 12th February 2009.
The run up to Valentine's day.
If you ask me (which no one has, but since when did I need a request?) then an official day that is planned for a huge population is the most unromantic way you could go about it. What is romantic about a specific date you have to buy someone a card and a gift? It seems like a demand you are required to fulfil. Surely a romantic day would be a completely random and spontaneous day filled with the unexpected, a day that was only yours - not one that the whole world was invited to.
This is coming from someone who has always been single on Valentine's day so maybe I'm just bitter, however I still think I'll always stand strong by spontanaeity for a long time yet.
I guess it does just give some people a push in the right direction though.
Love is being stupid together.
Girl prepared.
x.
The run up to Valentine's day.
If you ask me (which no one has, but since when did I need a request?) then an official day that is planned for a huge population is the most unromantic way you could go about it. What is romantic about a specific date you have to buy someone a card and a gift? It seems like a demand you are required to fulfil. Surely a romantic day would be a completely random and spontaneous day filled with the unexpected, a day that was only yours - not one that the whole world was invited to.
This is coming from someone who has always been single on Valentine's day so maybe I'm just bitter, however I still think I'll always stand strong by spontanaeity for a long time yet.
I guess it does just give some people a push in the right direction though.
Love is being stupid together.
Girl prepared.
x.
Tuesday 10 February 2009
Girl up late.
Tuesday 10th February 2009.
You know when everything suddenly turns from unbearable to absolutely perfect? Yeah, it isn't a familiar feeling to me either but it's really starting to grow on me.
Although isn't amazing how quickly a night can disappear into nothing. I had a lot of plans for this evening, hardly any of which I've actually carried out! Then comes the big trauma, do I cram it in by staying up an extra hour or do I just try and do it tomorrow. Putting things off usually results in me not doing them though.
An extra hour never killed anyone did it?
Besides, staying up late to do work is the best reason if you ask me, it means that you're actually enjoying it and you get something good out of it.
Don't think 'geek' too loudly, I might hear you.
Girl up late.
x.
You know when everything suddenly turns from unbearable to absolutely perfect? Yeah, it isn't a familiar feeling to me either but it's really starting to grow on me.
Although isn't amazing how quickly a night can disappear into nothing. I had a lot of plans for this evening, hardly any of which I've actually carried out! Then comes the big trauma, do I cram it in by staying up an extra hour or do I just try and do it tomorrow. Putting things off usually results in me not doing them though.
An extra hour never killed anyone did it?
Besides, staying up late to do work is the best reason if you ask me, it means that you're actually enjoying it and you get something good out of it.
Don't think 'geek' too loudly, I might hear you.
Girl up late.
x.
Sunday 8 February 2009
Girl wondering.
Sunday 8th February 2009.
Which is the most important, the way you feel about someone or the way you act towards them? If you love someone is it acutally love unless you show it? That goes for hate, anger, lust, revenge...
We all feel different things for different people all along the scale of intensity, but does it make a difference how you feel if you never act upon it.
You could hate everyone you ever meet, but always act kindly, would that make you a bad person? You could hate everyone and allow them to know how you really feel, which would be better?
Following those standards, if you love someone do you let them know, or just keep it under contol.
Is it real if no one can see it?
Girl wondering.
x.
Which is the most important, the way you feel about someone or the way you act towards them? If you love someone is it acutally love unless you show it? That goes for hate, anger, lust, revenge...
We all feel different things for different people all along the scale of intensity, but does it make a difference how you feel if you never act upon it.
You could hate everyone you ever meet, but always act kindly, would that make you a bad person? You could hate everyone and allow them to know how you really feel, which would be better?
Following those standards, if you love someone do you let them know, or just keep it under contol.
Is it real if no one can see it?
Girl wondering.
x.
Friday 6 February 2009
Girl out of synch.
Friday 6th February 2009.
Time. I guess it's what makes the world tick round in an orderly fashion and keeps everything in its special little place. But what about if there's one case where every time you need something you miss it by a second and you're constantly out of synch with it.
Should there be a limit on how long you keep reaching for it before you finally realise you may never reach it? Or should you continue to aim for your target, knowing deep down that some things are worth the wait?
Surely sooner or later Time will give people a break and let things synchronise. If not do you live 'happy' or live in hope?
If anyone knows what I'm on about then you've earned a lot of respect from me. If not, don't worry about it - I'm not sure I do.
Girl out of synch.
x.
Time. I guess it's what makes the world tick round in an orderly fashion and keeps everything in its special little place. But what about if there's one case where every time you need something you miss it by a second and you're constantly out of synch with it.
Should there be a limit on how long you keep reaching for it before you finally realise you may never reach it? Or should you continue to aim for your target, knowing deep down that some things are worth the wait?
Surely sooner or later Time will give people a break and let things synchronise. If not do you live 'happy' or live in hope?
If anyone knows what I'm on about then you've earned a lot of respect from me. If not, don't worry about it - I'm not sure I do.
Girl out of synch.
x.
Wednesday 4 February 2009
Girl aching from fun.
Wednesday 4th February 2009.
I offically love the snow. Never in my whole life have I spent so much time freezing cold and having so much fun!
The last couple of days has been very typical wintery innocent fun. Throwing snow balls until your hands are blue and are so numb you can no longer feel the cold. When it doesn't even matter if you hit your target or not, it's still fun. Cakes, it's not the fact they taste delicious; it's the baking it that's the fun part.
I have had one of the best weeks of my entire life. Probably because I've spent it with some of the most amazing people ever.
No matter how much time passes between us or how many arguments cross inbetween us all. I'm certain there will never be a time we can't all sit together and laugh at nothing at all.
I don't really have an outstanding moral for you tonight, just a simple reminder from an amazing speech.
'Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.'
We take our friends for granted every single day. Make sure you take a little time out to just think about everything they've ever done for you, never be too shy to offer a little back.
What if you were a siamese twin joined so you were facing someone and you needed to be sick?
Girl aching from fun.
x.
I offically love the snow. Never in my whole life have I spent so much time freezing cold and having so much fun!
The last couple of days has been very typical wintery innocent fun. Throwing snow balls until your hands are blue and are so numb you can no longer feel the cold. When it doesn't even matter if you hit your target or not, it's still fun. Cakes, it's not the fact they taste delicious; it's the baking it that's the fun part.
I have had one of the best weeks of my entire life. Probably because I've spent it with some of the most amazing people ever.
No matter how much time passes between us or how many arguments cross inbetween us all. I'm certain there will never be a time we can't all sit together and laugh at nothing at all.
I don't really have an outstanding moral for you tonight, just a simple reminder from an amazing speech.
'Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.'
We take our friends for granted every single day. Make sure you take a little time out to just think about everything they've ever done for you, never be too shy to offer a little back.
What if you were a siamese twin joined so you were facing someone and you needed to be sick?
Girl aching from fun.
x.
Monday 2 February 2009
Girl sharing a path.
Monday 2nd February 2009.
Oh, the snow today. It's completely magical I love the way it fills the sky and makes everything purely perfect in such a short time, hiding all the imperfections underneat... for such a short time. Also the tumbling fun it creates. It's not often these days young people have innocent and carefree fun, snow seems to allow that again.
Also I've realised a few things tonight. Throughout each of our little lives we'll all link paths with many different people, some will carry along our path for longer than others, but all of their footprints will stay on that path forever. Is it a good thing or bad that the further forward you travel the less distinct their footprints will seem? Whether good or bad it will be inevitable.
I think it's an important decision whether you want to walk along someone elses path, and how long for. Is it taking you away from your own path or leading you in the direction you should have taken all along?
There are some people that will travel the entire journey with you, and obviously others who won't. That is life. It's hard to say goodbye sometimes, but often one goodbye will lead you to a thousand more hellos.
I hope my path continues with a certain few of the people that are on it at the moment.
I remember why you're one of my best friends.
Girl sharing a path.
x.
Oh, the snow today. It's completely magical I love the way it fills the sky and makes everything purely perfect in such a short time, hiding all the imperfections underneat... for such a short time. Also the tumbling fun it creates. It's not often these days young people have innocent and carefree fun, snow seems to allow that again.
Also I've realised a few things tonight. Throughout each of our little lives we'll all link paths with many different people, some will carry along our path for longer than others, but all of their footprints will stay on that path forever. Is it a good thing or bad that the further forward you travel the less distinct their footprints will seem? Whether good or bad it will be inevitable.
I think it's an important decision whether you want to walk along someone elses path, and how long for. Is it taking you away from your own path or leading you in the direction you should have taken all along?
There are some people that will travel the entire journey with you, and obviously others who won't. That is life. It's hard to say goodbye sometimes, but often one goodbye will lead you to a thousand more hellos.
I hope my path continues with a certain few of the people that are on it at the moment.
I remember why you're one of my best friends.
Girl sharing a path.
x.
Sunday 1 February 2009
Girl still young.
Saturday 31st January 2009.
Young and in love.
It's a phrase we often hear. It's a phrase that brings a smile to your face, requited or not. But is it actually possible?
I'm highly cynical on this particular subject or at least towards the approach. I'm very uncertain how the mechanics work of learning to love someone when they haven't even become an individual yet. Surely this is the age of discovery, learning and adventure towards yourself, so how can people throw the word 'love' around all over the place?
In my books love is time. If you can give a valuable amound of life... your life to another person and still actually 'like' them for it then that is a certain measure of love. If you can know and understand every fault of a person and not let your judgement of them alter, then that is love. If you could spend a year in their absence and your heart reamins beside their's, then that is love. So, please allow me to understand how you can be young and in love...
I'm not denying a young person's ability to love. If anything being young is the only time your love will be widely on offer. However, I don't think you can be young and 'in' love. It just doesn't add up.
But maybe it isn't supposed to...? Maybe this is the afe of discovery, learning and adventure - for love. Maybe my judgement is farthest from the trail by me trying to work out the mechanics of love. We could all hope and believe that love is the sole thing in life that doesn't work on mechanics.
Care to prove me wrong?
Girl still young.
x.
Young and in love.
It's a phrase we often hear. It's a phrase that brings a smile to your face, requited or not. But is it actually possible?
I'm highly cynical on this particular subject or at least towards the approach. I'm very uncertain how the mechanics work of learning to love someone when they haven't even become an individual yet. Surely this is the age of discovery, learning and adventure towards yourself, so how can people throw the word 'love' around all over the place?
In my books love is time. If you can give a valuable amound of life... your life to another person and still actually 'like' them for it then that is a certain measure of love. If you can know and understand every fault of a person and not let your judgement of them alter, then that is love. If you could spend a year in their absence and your heart reamins beside their's, then that is love. So, please allow me to understand how you can be young and in love...
I'm not denying a young person's ability to love. If anything being young is the only time your love will be widely on offer. However, I don't think you can be young and 'in' love. It just doesn't add up.
But maybe it isn't supposed to...? Maybe this is the afe of discovery, learning and adventure - for love. Maybe my judgement is farthest from the trail by me trying to work out the mechanics of love. We could all hope and believe that love is the sole thing in life that doesn't work on mechanics.
Care to prove me wrong?
Girl still young.
x.
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