Girl listening intently.

Thursday 26th March 2009.

Today we had a guest speaker in at school... a survivor from the Holocaust.
Normally if I'm listening to someone speak, then after twenty minutes at the most I'm already looking around the room and shuffling in my chair. However this time I was transfixed for an hour and a half.
I've never had such respect for a person within seconds of them walking into a room. When an hall full of school children are asked to stand while someone walks in they always do it just because they have to, but today there wasn't a sigh of hostility amongst the hundreds of people there.
The man himself was absolutely iconic. He kept referring to himself as being a very lucky person, and all I kept asking myself is how can someone go through such a life of hardship, pain and ordeals and still come out of it claiming they're lucky?
I guess that it puts all my traumas and troubles into a great deal of perspective. How can we moan about trivial things every day when there are so many people out there suffering in the world we live in today. The speaker said one situation that really struck me to be moving; the government in power in England now insist that they're doing all they can to help developing countries that are suffering from poverty, which all seems fair and good - even if it is a little exaggerated... but try telling a mother that's lost a child that you're 'doing your best'. Obviously our best isn't good enough. And we should want to make something more of ourselves and our society.
As for the holocaust I can't do it justice in a little blog. There's no amount of my rattle that could ever even come to terms with such evil. And I don't think anyone will ever truly be able to understand how someone could do such things to completely innocent people.
They say they were 'following orders'. There's no such thing as 'following orders' to such an extent. That is plain and simply committing mass murder... genocide.
Don't you think it's disgusting that we have to have a word for killing millions of people?
We hear quite a few things about survivors of the Holocaust, there are many books published about them and TV documentaries. We can merely begin to imagine what they went through.
I think to be able to learn about a surviving Nazi Prison Guard would also be very interesting.
A survivor can see their lives as 'lucky' and be thankful for their fate and having the strength to be able to live through it. However a Prison Guard has to live with regret, hatred from the world and knowing they're weak.
Personally I'm not sure who I fell more sorry for...

Girl listening intently.
x.

Girl waiting for inspiration.

Wednesday 25th March 2009.

Ok, so I have my art exam on Friday and I don't have my idea planned out and prepared yet... Panic is starting to set in. Last year I was prepared weeks before hand, now I'm really struggling. I painting a 2x2ft piece of wood white this evening and now I'm just waiting for the inspiration to kick in.
My title's Changes in the Climate.
I'm thinking about painting 'The Future' a skyline city with a stormy sky in oranges and red like Bob Barker's style, with litter such as penguin wrappers to represent those being the only penguins left on the earth.
I'm not really too sure how that would all go together as a composition though.
Well we'll soon see.
Sorry for the lack of poignant thought tonight, but my mind is everywhere else but blogging at this moment in time I'm afraid.

Girl waiting for inspiration.
x.

Girl young free and single.

Tuesday 24th March 2009.

Ok, I'm becoming terrible at keeping up to date with blogs. Nevertheless, back to my unanswerable questions... why is it that so many people judge others just because they lead their life a little differently to them?
Why because one person likes to play the field a little does it make them a 'slut' or such like? Can't it just be seen as young, free and single. If you can't do it now then when can you do it? Also at the end of the day I don't see what's so wrong with a little harmless flirting banter.
Also on the other hand why do people look at those in relationships and always find something to bitch about the couple? Why is it that we feel the need to pass judgement over someone else's relationship? If it's not including us within the relations then surely it's not asking for our opinion on any other principle for it either. Generally I've noticed people ask for your opinion when they want it... any other time it's best kept to yourself.
All in all, if you're single you might as well enjoy it... if you're in a relationship make sure you act like you are. Either way you could end up getting hurt if you cross over the barriers, or worse: hurt someone else.

Girl young free and single.
x.

Girl blissfully naive.

Thursday 19th March 2009.

Which is more important to us in this day and age? Love or sex?
The answer should always be love, but I'm very certain that barely anyone would go their whole life in a loving relationship without sex. Is it ridiculous to think that no one could do that? Or even more ridiculous to expect it of someone?
Obviously I'm not going to run along an join a nunnery or anything like that, but I do find it mildly interesting that sex is such a huge part of our life.
It doesn't keep us alive as breathing, eating and drinking does... and yet without it people seem to fall apart...
This is a topic I'm sure people could discuss for endless days and still not come to a stable conclusion.
And as for love... well. I come to two endings with that; write only about it and get no further or just stop all together and hope for a solution to burst upon me. It sounds awfully cliched for a teenager to be writing about the aspects of love, and I hate it for that reason. However, I also resent that view, because who says a 'teenager' can't know just as much about it as any adult. If anything, a teenager's view on love will always be far more truthful than that of an adult, because with youth comes blissful naivety.
So, for get 'to be or not to be' because that is the question no more....
'Love or sex' that is the question.
Which would you pick?

I'm currently reading Lady Chatterley's Lover - I'm not just some self obsessed freak... promise.
Girl blissfully naive.
x.

Girl blissfully naive.

Thursday 19th March 2009.

Which is more important to us in this day and age? Love or sex?
The answer should always be love, but I'm very certain that barely anyone would go their whole life in a loving relationship without sex. Is it ridiculous to think that no one could do that? Or even more ridiculous to expect it of someone?
Obviously I'm not going to run along an join a nunnery or anything like that, but I do find it mildly interesting that sex is such a huge part of our life.
It doesn't keep us alive as breathing, eating and drinking does... and yet without it people seem to fall apart...
This is a topic I'm sure people could discuss for endless days and still not come to a stable conclusion.
And as for love... well. I come to two endings with that; write only about it and get no further or just stop all together and hope for a solution to burst upon me. It sounds awfully cliched for a teenager to be writing about the aspects of love, and I hate it for that reason. However, I also resent that view, because who says a 'teenager' can't know just as much about it as any adult. If anything, a teenager's view on love will always be far more truthful than that of an adult, because with youth comes blissful naivety.
So, for get 'to be or not to be' because that is the question no more....
'Love or sex' that is the question.
Which would you pick?

I'm currently reading Lady Chatterley's Lover - I'm not just some self obsessed freak... promise.
Girl blissfully naive.
x.

Girl with a powerful hand.

Wednesday 18th March 2009.

Is it good to get all your dreams come true, or is it sometimes better to live with a little uncertainty?
Of course the main purpose for our dreams and asperations is to make us live in such a way we strive to fulfill them and gain as much out of life as we possibly can. But by actually grasping them whole in our greedy little hands do we actually become a better person for it?
If we never claimed anything we reach for then I think we would quickly stop trying at all. But in the single moment you get everything you ever wished for, you instantly lose everything you learnt on the way.
As wonderful as it is for us to have all our wishes come true it is far more important to still have dreams.
So, if you don't get delt the hand you wanted, don't begrudge life too much; instead be thankful. You may not have noticed but it just delt you a handful of dreams, which is the most powerful hand a man can have.

Girl with a powerful hand.
x.

Girl missing her.

Tuesday 17th March 2009.

I've just gotten back from the cinema with my girl friends. We went to see Marley and Me; a film I'm certain will go down in history to be an amazing film.
It hauled me down that old lane often referred to as Memory and brought back some amazing memories.
I've always been a very 'doggy' person, I can't understand people that don't like them. I had a dog, called Bonnie. She was my best friend, and I don't think anyone could take that particular place ever again. There was something about her that was so much more than just-a-dog. She was an individual. She had a personality, memories and complete life of her own. She knew her family and her friends. She knew how to work us all to get what she wanted, and she knew when to give in to us to let us get what we wanted.
Every day we had her she brought a smile to our faces in one way or another. Also a regular occurance would be quite the opposite, usually resulting in her running under the table chewing something so we couldn't get at her. But I wouldn't change any of that for the world, even the times I wanted to scream at her, because that's who she was.
It makes me unbelievably upset even now, over two years after she's died. Because no matter what anyone says, she wasn't just-a-dog, she was my dog, my family... my friend.
Like any other time, I can always get a new friend, but they never quite live up to the first ones that you grew up with.
So here it is, my blog inspired by that film; now one of my all time favourites. It's not as good as I really wanted this to be, but I'm not sure I'd ever be satisfied with what I wrote about her, because I'm not sure I'll ever be a good enough writer to get this down the way I want to.
However this is for everyone that's ever had a dog. That may be just-a-dog but maybe that's all you need them to be. For being just-a-dog is possibly far better than anything any of us could hope to be.
When did a dog ever give you a doubtful look? ... Walk away? ... Or not sit and listen? In my opinion a dog isn't just a man's best friend, a dog is anyone's best friend that needs them. A lot more than just-people most of the time.

Girl missing her.
x.

Girl getting her head down.

Monday 16th March 2009.

Now I'm taking school seriously... sort of. I'm going to the library until 6 o'clock after school until exams. Although you know me when I make pledges, I rarely stick to them. But I do try, I promise!
The weather today has been a promise for the rest of the year. Beautiful sunshine. It made me smile the fact that we get a little bit of nice weather and everyone in the sixth form common room evacuated onto the field to bask in some of the premature summer rays. I even wore my new flowery dress for the occasion.
I do miss the snow, but I have to say I also do love the summer. I wonder what it'll bring this year.
Hopefully a trip to canada and spend two weeks writing...?

Girl getting her head down.
x.

Girl with a future?

Saturday 14th March 2009.

So, I spent last night with one best friend and today with another. And my, my what a brilliant time I've had. The Future seems to have cropped up in conversation a lot just lately, maybe because it's actually starting to poke its nose upon our horizon and we're all becoming curious about what shape it is actually going to take.
For years now I've been so excited about leaving Walsall and going to university to study the one thing I care about 100% and learning to live independently. Now don't get me wrong for a minute, I'm still unexplainably excited about these things, but as I see it rising bigger and bigger in front of me in the shape of My Future, it feels a little more daunting every day.
What if I can't do it and I'm not as good at things as I like to think I am?
Also today my friend and I discussed, over drinks in Starbucks, five things we want by the time we're thirty. Mine were:
A stable relationship.
A dog.
A home of my own.
A good job that I love.
A walk-in-wardrobe.
Now that I've shared them publically I think I'll strive even harder to fulfill them just so it doesn't appear as failure to more people than just myself.
At this moment in time we can still get excited about our future at thirty because that's still hiding behind a big hill and won't lurk on the brim of our horizon for a long time yet.
So, yeah, I'll just distract myself from My Future of university by imagining that huge walk-in-wardrobe.

Girl with a future?
x.

Girl now seventeen and a day.

Tuesday 10th March 2009.

I know I'm an absolute disgrace! It feels like ages since I did my last blog, I've been very busy though.
It was my birthday yesterday and the night before that I went out for a meal with all of my friends.
Tonight my Nan and Granddad came over for dinner, that I slaved over in the kitchen for a couple of hours before they came! I use the word 'slaved' relatively loosely. Anyway the dinner went well, you'll be glad to hear, and we all had a very pleasant evening.
I did have a little ponder upon something though.
It never ceases to amuse me how my grandparents act together. I could never imagine one of them without the other. They finish each other's sentences, literally, all the time and all of the annecdotal stories they tell are always told in character by my Nan with Granddad filling in with the narrative. It is quite funny to watch but also very... nice.
When it comes to marriages and relationships there is so much difficulty. Even in what I've experienced in my few years, so I can't imagine what it's like after a whole life of it. But even after all the hard times that they have inevitably gone through it is just plain and simply 'nice' to be able to see two people together after over fifty years and still be able to bear each other's company and still be in love. Obviously it is a completely different type of love to anything I may or may not know about, but nevertheless it still remains strong.
It is nice sometimes to be able to have that little flickering reminder that somethings in life are simply nice and have a good ending.

In comparison to that I really don't like the ending of Tess of the D'Urbervilles, that is most definitely not a plain and simple nice ending. Although I don't think I'd respect that book anywhere near as much as I do if it had been your typical Happy Ending. The sadness simply ignighted the realism of it.

Girl now seventeen and a day.
x.

Girl reading her book.

Thursday 5th March 2009.

World Book Day.
I've spent the whole of today dressed up as Peter Pan with people constantly asking me if I'm Robin Hood or Peter Pan, which got a little tedious by the end of the day.
I must admit though that today has been one of those days that's been brilliant for no apparent reason. Maybe it's because it's world book day, that has to be pretty high up on my best days of the year.
At the moment I'm reading 'Tess of the D'Urbervilles' by Thomas Hardy. I thought it was one of those books that I should read because of its status but I have actually found it enjoyable and fairly interesting, even if the character of Tess does annoy me a lot.
Even in those times I cannot understand how someone can say that they are unworthy of living and they would be pleased if their husband killed them because it would mean that he saw her as his property and had the right to do that. Bizzare or what!!! I understand that the power in relationships was a lot more biased back then but certainly that can't have that much of an impact in your own head? Or maybe it can. Maybe the morals we are brought up in decipher exactly how we perceive ourselves and judge whether we are worthy or not.
I hope that no one ever has to feel the thought that they aren't worthy of someone else, for as soon as you believe that it becomes true.

Girl reading her book.
x.

Girl with a role model.

Monday 2nd March 2009.

Today in English Language we were discussing our role models, and as it came around I realised I'd never written a blog on one of the most important people in my life. I don't normally name names but for this case I feel it is more than acceptable.
Aunty Olive, my Granddad's elder sister. She was an absolutely amazing woman who I learned to love for reasons of my own other than the fact she was family. I used to write to her, usually of nothing particularly interesting but she would always reply with such lovely letters. I trusted her with so many things I wouldn't tell other adults. When I was nearly fifteen I wrote to her telling her of a boyfriend I had, followed by swearing her to secrecy... which she never once broke. Following that she'd always ask after the rest of the family and how their well being was, while the whole time she was suffering from an evil illness.
When I was about five my Granddad told my Dad to take us to see her because she was very ill and might not live for long.
Ten years later she died a year after her husband who had been in relatively good health compared to that of hers.
She was such a strong woman who never let her spirits get dampened. It was nice to be able to go and visit her and be positive we would be greeted with the warmest smile that included her whole face, not just her mouth, as a lot of people these days do.
She died on 13th February 2008. I sometimes think maybe she didn't want a Valentine's Day alone.
I'm thankful to Aunty Olive for so much, but most of all for making me enjoy writing so much. There was no feeling the same as when a letter fell onto the mat addressed to me in her familiar writing. Of all the things I will ever miss she will always remain.

I hope one day to be that strong.
Girl with a role model.
x.

Girl giggling at slippers.

Sunday 1st March 2009.

Bethan's Birthday.

It's a fact of life that all you need to make you feel better is some good friends. Last night I felt like absolute crap (if you didn't gather) whereas tonight I couldn't feel any better. Well, I probably could but that's besides the point.
I love how you can go out with another person's family and feel so at ease. I haven't laughed that much in such a long time, and the best part of laughing so much is when it can't be shared afterwards. The best jokes are always ones that outsiders just don't get.
All in all I've had a pretty amazing day, a lot of it was unexpected and didn't go completely the way it was supposed to but that just made it all the better. My days are so much nicer now that I don't have to worry about returning to a house I live in, instead being able to go back to my home that my friends can turn up at.

Happy birthday my best friend, I hope you have many more like it.
Girl giggling at slippers.
x.