Tuesday 26th October 2010.

Tuesday 26th October 2010.

Today's not been too bad considering I spent three hours travelling for a one hour lecture. But it's that nagging feeling inside that's having more of an effect on me.

People spend so much time worrying about what someone has said to them or how they said it. And work themselves up about what they actually meant. But I've learnt that what and how people say things is usually exactly what they mean. Nothing more nothing less.

It's when they say nothing that you need to worry.

Girl bored.
x.

Monday 18th October 2010.

Monday 18th October 2010

I handed in my notice at work today. I still can't decide if it felt liberating or belittling. Is it good cause I've finally got to say 'up yours, I've found something better' or a bit demeaning because she made me feel that I wasn't good enough in the first place.

Either way it doesn't matter now. New things are ahead. I have started university, made new friends, new teachers, new work. But it's still nice to keep some of the old things. Old friends, old habits and old love.

It does make me feel a little bit silly saying old love. Especially on here, he's barely even mentioned - as since he's been in my life I've turned away from this blog. I guess I used this as a place to wallow on my life, and now I don't need a reason or a place to wallow at all. But nevertheless it does feel like old love. It's only been a year and three months, but it feels like I've known him forever, and as though he's known me.

I'm on my own tonight, which is very very occasional these days - but I guess pulling me out of what is now my normality, makes me see how much I could potentially lose. Everyone strives to find 'the one' or 'love', but we never stop to think about what to do with it once we've found it. Moan, bicker, fight. Why do we bother? We know that we're happy, and we don't want to lose it - yet still we continue. I suppose it sounds like we've had a fight. We haven't. It just makes me think that now I have the happiness I've always longed and hoped for it scares me at how easily it can all be taken away.

But then it's reassuring to know that, or at least to be pretty sure that he's here to stay, and so am I.

Sometimes we question the people that we love, but in this one circumstance in life it's better to take the back seat and just enjoy the ride. No questions asked.

Girl asking no questions.
x.

Girl realising.

Wednesday 7th July 2010

Well I guess it keeps getting longer between my blogs. I've just got the app for my phone so hopefully I'll clock in a little more.

I've been on my own tonight and got quite thoughtful. It's the anniversary of the London bombings today. I can't even imagine what today will bring for some people. How they lost their loved ones without getting to say their goodbyes. I wonder if everybody knew they were loved. I wonder how many regrets still lie in those undergrounds? I wonder if those thoughts still live inside of their family?

I know that the people I love mean the absolute world to me, and I'd do anything for each one of them. However, I've also learnt that the old tales are true. Someone else picks your family for you, and though we may not always agree with that choice it must have been made for a reason. I just wonder if it's to make me a stronger person, or whether to just prove that they're weak.

I guess everybody sees the world through different eyes and in a different light. That's what caused the 7/7 disaster. I know nothing will ever change people's views, I just hope one day we'll be able to understand one another. Because it's a sad moment when you realise not even your family try to understand you. We just have to hope for the rest of the world.

Girl realising.
x.

Girl drawing.

Monday 29th March 2010



Just thought I'd upload a picture I've just drawn. It's the thing on my mind at the moment and I guess a picture says a thousand words.

Girl drawing.
x.

Girl believing.

Monday 22nd March 2009.

So, it's been a while.
I honestly can't remember the last time I wrote this, I just know that around that time the only response I heard from it was negative. And it's never easy to write something that no one else believes in anymore.
But things have changed over the last year, mostly for the better. I've found the man of my dreams (for real this time as well I think!), moved house again and turned eighteen.
Just the other day I was talking to two of my best friends, and the topic got onto life after death. How many people believe in it I wonder? Well for years on end I've stood stubbornly against the idea, but simply over the last week I've been reconsidering it.
My brother told me a story of my favourite Aunt, who I used to write to quite frequently. She had bone cancer, and for ten years more than the doctors gave her she fought it. Her husband, Jim, looked after her and they lived together happily. Until, one day he had a stroke, and suddenly it became a lot more difficult. The following Easter Jim died, and I vividly remember seeing my Aunt waving at his coffin as it went. I wrote to her much more after this, and time after time she told me of how lonely she was. Then she became more sick as the New Year came and the day before she died she told the hospital staff that she was going on holiday, that Jim was taking her, and they were going to Paradise. She died the next day; Valentine's Day.
I do miss writing letters to her, and going to visit.
But, it's stories like that that I find incredibly hard not to believe in. I can honestly put my hand to my heart and say I can't believe in the Bible... but there are some other things I'm finding it difficult to do so with. And at the end of the day, if I were to believe that you can be with your loved ones after life and I'm wrong, I haven't lost anything - but I've gained a lifetime of hope and belief.

Goodbye, to a young girl who was full of life.
Sleep peacefully Tess.

Girl believing.
x.

Girl living the life.

Friday 7th August 2009.

I don't remember the last time I was this happy all round.
I've always regarded a relationship as being fragile happiness, something that undeniably made you happy - but a happiness that wasn't stable and you're always scared of it being taken away from you at any moment. But for the first time ever, I don't feel like the mat of happiness could be pulled from beneath my feet without a lot of persuasion.
It's also amazing to be able to have your friends and family get on with your boyfriend without them slagging him off when he goes or moaning about certain things.
I think this summer is going to be The Summer. Everyone seems to have a summer they look back to of their childhood/ youth and can't help but smile at how blissfully happy they were and trouble free. I know any problems I have now I'll just look back on in a year or two and laugh at how easy they were, so I figure if I just look at it like that now then it should all seem easy straight away and I can just carry on with being happy.

Happy times make happy memories... Memories last forever.
Girl living the life.
x.

Girl blissfully happy.

Sunday 2nd August 2009.

Again, it's been a while since I've shouted out to the world so I thought I'd better keep my masses of hooked fans something to read... (in my dreams!).
Well my main motive for writing originally was somewhere and someone to moan to about everything I believed was wrong in the world and how I could put everything to right and the world would become perfect... but just lately I seem to have lost that motive completely. Everything in my life seems to be going well, no major disasters and everyone is happy.
Life is still challenging and demanding at times but then it wouldn't be life if it was anything but.
I couldn't ask for better people to be surrounded by, even if my best friends do insist on teasing me about the boy scenario... I guess it's only pay back for the many years I've sat singing childish songs to them whenever a new guy is on the scene. All's fair in love and war, and all that jazz.
So yeah, the life of Carly Davis is heading towards its peak.

Girl blissfully happy.
x.

Girl acousticed.

Saturday 11th July 2009.

Today has been pretty awesome. I've spent the day with friends I hardly ever see and when I do it's like we haven't had the six months void inbetween.
Then tonight with friends that I've actually seen more in the last few weeks than in the last six months and again it never has any empty spaces.
The guys came around this evening with their guitars ready to join me with my new electro acoustic that I can only just get something resembling a tune out of. Now I'm writing this sitting with them as they're writing something, I'm not exactly sure whether I can call it a song yet but whatever it is is really nice. I can't wait until I can actually play.
I love being able to sit in on a Saturday night with two great friends and do nothing but make music, or at least on my behalf listen to music. Life has to be good from here.
You need to be surrounded by people that inspire you and make you want to life yourself higher, and there's nothing nicer than knowing the people that can do this are the people you enjoy being with. For a change this isn't just based on my personal experiences, it can be spread across at least the three of us here tonight.
More nights like this should be scheduled for this summer.

That metallic taste of music.
Girl acousticed.
x.

Girl picking the people.

Friday 10th July 2009.
Billy's Birthday.

What is it that makes your life important? Is it whether you have what you want? Is it whether you give others what they want? Is it whether you're where you need to be? Is it who you're with? Out of all of these I don't think there's one answer for everyone, as we change every day and that's not a bad thing. The worst thing would be only being fixated on one of these aspects. Which the more I think about it the more I notice that a lot of people are.
It's actually quite theraputic to just sit and wonder what it is that makes your life so important. As soon as I ever ask myself that question I just get visions of certain people's faces, which leads me to believe that it's the people in my life that make it so good. Of course the places you are and the things you have will always embellish the rest of your living but the core of your life will always be branched out by the people who hold the foundations for you... But then that's just my opinion.
There are plenty of people that are happy with just what they have not who they have. Although I can't help but question their actual happiness.
What makes your life so important? Even if the importance only lies within your hands, it's still important nevertheless.

"Do you want a lover or do you want a life?"
Girl picking the people.
x.

Thursday 9th July 2009.

Not long got in from my friends' show of West Side Story. There were all absolutely terrific! Have to metnion that at least. Some of their parts were the best I've ever seen them perform and it just proved how well they could hold a stage, and as they were performing I could just see how comfortable and happy they were to be up there.
During the interval I was talking to one of my best friends about after next year when we all go away to uni. It really is the only thing I can think about at the moment. It just seems so exciting, everything about it, but at the same time scary and daunting. Not the things that most people seem scared of; the money aspect, making no friends, having to cook for yourself - I can deal with all of those things. The things that scare me the most aren't the obstacles that lie before me, but the ones I'm leaving behind.
My worries aren't big enough to have any serious impact on any decisions, but it has just really dawned on me that after a few days of absence from my friends there is usually a text sent round organising a meet up of sorts... how is it going to be after three months apart?! The variable most likely up for change will definitely be my phone bill.
Maybe none of this will work out how we're planning at all, I just don't know. This is coming towards the end of my 'Future Decisions' period of my life, only really have one year left of it until I've made the choice that will then dictate the rest of my life. God, when you say it like that it sounds almost as scary as the teachers make it out to be.
Some lighter news - my electro acoustic came today. My birthday present off my dad (once I'd decided a few months later what I actually wanted). And it's so beautiful, I really do love it. I can't wait until it stops hurting my fingers to play and I get good.

Girl with numb fingers.
x.

Girl going better than imagined.

Wednesday 8th July 2009.

Spent the day at Aberystwyth University today with my best friend and her dad. It didn't have the spark about it that Kent seemed to have, but it was still a good uni and had a lot going for it. I think the biggest decision about going to uni is deciding which is the most important; the university or the course. Which is why Kent seems so appealing because it has both.
This week of art is great so far, got so much done and it's going better than I imagined. Being able to pick our own title is the best thing they've ever let us do in art.
Had an awesome night, not really done anything spectacular just sat and watched a film with dad and his girlfriend. The thing is it's been a long time since I've been able to do that sort of thing at home without getting annoyed or told off for something.
Maybe my last year at home before going alone will be a drama free one, and one that builds the home I'll look forward to coming back to. I hope so, it's nice to have the whole family happy again.

Never underestimate that... family.
Girl going better than imagined.
x.

Girl checking out universities.

Tuesday 7th July 2009.

So, by not planning a work experience week they plan to punish us by making us work with the younger years on Activites Week... Shame when they put you in a classroom with teachers you get on with and let you get on with your work. I do love my teachers sometimes.
Been to an art exhibition tonight with some of my work up on display, wasn't anything extravogant but was still kind of cool.
Lately it's becoming more and more profound that my group of friends are changing. Sone of the people I was best friends with when I first started writing my blogs, I barely speak to anymore. I know this will be the case more and more over the next few years, which in some respects is a great shame. - Or is it a chance of new possibilities and better friendships maybe? Who knows we'll just have to wait and see.
And as things lie at the moment I do sort of love it a lot having loads of different random friends that all get on together and click for so many different reasons.

Girl checking out universities.
x.

Girl back online.

Monday 6th July 2009.

So, it's been a while. I'd like to say I've done something amazing that's taken me away from my blog, but there really hasn't been anything outstanding. I seemed to just be out a lot more than usual with friends having a pretty fabulous time.
It's strange how a short time away from the academic life can change you so quickly. It took no time at all to get used to the parties, pubs and clubs, but now to get back into the school scene proves to be a little more difficult. Just as I am sort of settling back in we'll break up again for summer. Oh well not to worry, the time for that is if I still don't get back into it by the time September comes.
The biggest change over this last month and a half has to be that university is definitely looming on the horizon now. Although I feel looming is probably the wrong word for it, it seems to imply something negative about it which is certainly not what I intend at all. The only worrying thing about the whole prospect is the possibility of not getting into the university I want. - Which by the way, is Kent. I fell in love with it this weekend.
So there's nothing life changing to report to you all, other than I think I'm back from my little rest. I think it's been good, because I don't want my blog to become a tedious chore which I'm afraid might have happend, however now I've just realised that I do actually miss writing it.
There's nothing like boring your friends with your endless mindless ramblings.

There's a life here that's pretty damn good at the moment.
Girl back online.
x.

Girl ready for summer.

Sunday 31st May 2009.

Well, well, well, what a weekend it has been! The weather is absolutely beautiful at the moment, and everyone seems to be in a good mood because of it.
I've spent the last two days in a friend's garden having the time of my life. I've come to a very important decision in my life... you are NEVER too old to have a bouncy castle, and they are ALWAYS fun.
Summer is all about barbeques, drinking, staying up until it's light again and friends. Summer would never be anything without the people you spend it with, and I can't wait to see what this one brings.
Isn't it strange how you never have two summers alike. Winters always seem to blend into one but summers, they're like mini life stories every year.
What will your chapter be this year?

Girl ready for summer.
x.

Girl had an amazing week.

Tuesday 26th May 2009.

So it's been a few days, and I'd like to say I've been raced off my feet... but I just haven't.
In fact plenty has happened for me to write a blog about, I just haven't.
The beauty of study leave when you have early exams is that you have an extra random two weeks to have fun and have no burdens of work at all. So I've been taking advantage of that and been shopping, clubbing and having a lot of fun.
It still makes me smile that the UK are confident in their laws of the age of eighteen before you can drink alcohol. But in realistic terms, find me a seventeen year old that doesn't know a corner shop where they can get served or a bar or a club. And even though this breaks the law and almost shows that the country as a whole have failed at something, it's also kind of reassuing. It's nice to know that the rules are there but people as a whole still know when it's ok to break them.
I love the fact that when you're younger you have sleepovers with your couins, then you get a little older and your parents let you have your friends to stay over, then you get a little older still and you're allowed a few friends all at once, then you get past that limit and the opposite sex are allowed across the boundaries. I think you can tell when you aren't childish anymore when you always seem to have more fun when it's guys and girls together.
Don't get me wrong I love my girls, but fun is always so much more when there's everyone. Maybe that links to the fact that I love spontanaeity. Because with girls you always kind of know what's going to happen, whereas when everyone's together every night is different - but always guarenteed fun.

Are all men the same?
Girl had an amazing week.
x.

Girl being childish aparently.

Monday 18th May 2009.

3 hour long Critical Thinking exams are suicidal.

When did one thing mean something else?
Imagine a smile being bad
Or a kiss meaning hate.
Imagine a war of peace
Or even a silent song.
Imagine imagine as fact
And questions being the answers.
Imagine the truth
Only being lies.
Imagine never being able to understand
The people you know best.
Imaigine everything you're good at -
Being your weakness.
Imagine a cruel world
I see nothing different in that.

Girl being childish aparently.
x.

Girl the latest joke.

Saturday 16th May 2009.

When did I become such a joke?
When did it become ok to let Carly think you like her, wait until she seems to like you back and then just walk. Why does everyone do that?... Just walk away?
If this is what it's always going to be like then I just give up now, cause it's really not worth the hassle. Not when people are capable of turning you against yourself. How do they do it?
Why do I do it? Why do I let them? Maybe because I don't know how not to. No one's ever told me how.
Who said these are meant to be the best years of your life? If you ask me they seem pretty damned hard, and I'm running out of steam.
The sole main people who are supposed to be here for me... aren't. They're reliving their own lives. While I'm still trying to start mine.
I'm losing sight of why I'm doing any of this anymore. Why the exams? Why the worrying about uni? Does it actually matter?
Cause right now all I want to do is get as far away from here as possible. Because there's too many people around here that've hurt me lately, and I don't want to have to keep being reminded of them anymore.

Girl the latest joke.
x.

Girl used.

Saturday 16th May 2009.

Ever fainted in an exam?
Try your best not to, it really kind of messes things up.
Isn't it strange how an average day can take such a downhill turn? How 'that guy' can turn out to be just the same as every other guy, or maybe even worse.
I never can understand how someone can outright lie to you for weeks, then not even own up to it and acknowledge their mistakes. What a small person.
Why would someone deliberately set out to hurt someone else and not even show an inkling of consideration in their direction afterwards?
I guess we all try to fool ourself with our opinions of people. I know I always ignore the bad things that are quite clear to everyone else, but it just seems like a much nicer way to see the world.
Should it change? Should I look for the worst in people and be surprised if and when they change my mind about them? Or keep looking for the good parts and take yet another knock when they prove me wrong?
It seems you can't trust anyone, more often than not the people that you thought you could.
And the worst of all is people say "oh they're men" as the excuse. Well I'm sorry but that's absolutely terrible. If that's the case then it means it's been accepted that half of the world's population is allowed to act without regard for anyone else, while the other half just have to sit back and accept it. Well whoever allowed this to be the way the world works was a joke to the rest of us.
I just honestly can't understand how someone could set out with such an intent to do that... and then refuse to even talk to me about it.
Amazing how quickly respect drops away from the seams of a person.

Should have seen what was there and not some holy light.
Girl used.
x.

Girl feeling ill.

Thursday 14th May 2009.

I'm not sure I've ever felt this ill before. I did have the flu a couple of years ago that was pretty bad I suppose, but this is just something else.
I woke up this morning and felt so hot and dizzy, then all day I've been too hot then too cold, with a headache to go with it. Never good, even worse when you're trying to study for two big exams tomorrow!
I do always seem to have bad timing.
Anyway, I'm going to see if I can get any revision done at all.

Girl feeling ill.
x.

Girl revising.

Wednesday 13th May 2009.

Daniel's Birthday.

The first day of my exams, and my god has it been a long one!
I have one hugely nagging question though... why on earth do exam invidulators wear high heeled shoes and then walk around on their tip toes for the entire exam - why not just wear flat shoes with rubber soles?!
Sorry, but I had to get that one off my chest, it's been irritating me all day.
After however many years of exams I've been doing now I've finally realised something that's probably been vital all along. Revision actually pays off. I've spent the majority of this week doing overload revision sessions, and I actually felt confident about most of the questions. Knowing my luck though I'll still probably only just about scrape a C.
My brother's birthday meal tonight. Quite a nice success. Although I had one of the strangest experiences of my life. I went to the toilet... and there was a CD playing teaching me spanish!!! As expected I washed my hands as quickly as I could and made my escape.
Right now the only annoying thing (obviously other than the stress of exams and coursework deadlines) is that I wind myself up too easily about silly little things. I keep hypoanalysing things that people probably don't even mean to do or notice that they're doing. And within a couple of minutes I've come up with a really farfetched story.
And the most worrying thing about it is that I know I'm not the only one who does this. You can't tell me you've never come up with a catastrophic story just from a little suggestion of something...

Girl revising.
x.