Always Sitting... Sometimes Pretty.

Tuesday 26th October 2010.

2010-10-26T12:33:00.001-07:00

Tuesday 26th October 2010.

Today's not been too bad considering I spent three hours travelling for a one hour lecture. But it's that nagging feeling inside that's having more of an effect on me.

People spend so much time worrying about what someone has said to them or how they said it. And work themselves up about what they actually meant. But I've learnt that what and how people say things is usually exactly what they mean. Nothing more nothing less.

It's when they say nothing that you need to worry.

Girl bored.
x.

Monday 18th October 2010.

2010-10-17T16:33:00.000-07:00

Monday 18th October 2010

I handed in my notice at work today. I still can't decide if it felt liberating or belittling. Is it good cause I've finally got to say 'up yours, I've found something better' or a bit demeaning because she made me feel that I wasn't good enough in the first place.

Either way it doesn't matter now. New things are ahead. I have started university, made new friends, new teachers, new work. But it's still nice to keep some of the old things. Old friends, old habits and old love.

It does make me feel a little bit silly saying old love. Especially on here, he's barely even mentioned - as since he's been in my life I've turned away from this blog. I guess I used this as a place to wallow on my life, and now I don't need a reason or a place to wallow at all. But nevertheless it does feel like old love. It's only been a year and three months, but it feels like I've known him forever, and as though he's known me.

I'm on my own tonight, which is very very occasional these days - but I guess pulling me out of what is now my normality, makes me see how much I could potentially lose. Everyone strives to find 'the one' or 'love', but we never stop to think about what to do with it once we've found it. Moan, bicker, fight. Why do we bother? We know that we're happy, and we don't want to lose it - yet still we continue. I suppose it sounds like we've had a fight. We haven't. It just makes me think that now I have the happiness I've always longed and hoped for it scares me at how easily it can all be taken away.

But then it's reassuring to know that, or at least to be pretty sure that he's here to stay, and so am I.

Sometimes we question the people that we love, but in this one circumstance in life it's better to take the back seat and just enjoy the ride. No questions asked.

Girl asking no questions.
x.

Girl realising.

2010-07-06T16:44:00.001-07:00

Wednesday 7th July 2010

Well I guess it keeps getting longer between my blogs. I've just got the app for my phone so hopefully I'll clock in a little more.

I've been on my own tonight and got quite thoughtful. It's the anniversary of the London bombings today. I can't even imagine what today will bring for some people. How they lost their loved ones without getting to say their goodbyes. I wonder if everybody knew they were loved. I wonder how many regrets still lie in those undergrounds? I wonder if those thoughts still live inside of their family?

I know that the people I love mean the absolute world to me, and I'd do anything for each one of them. However, I've also learnt that the old tales are true. Someone else picks your family for you, and though we may not always agree with that choice it must have been made for a reason. I just wonder if it's to make me a stronger person, or whether to just prove that they're weak.

I guess everybody sees the world through different eyes and in a different light. That's what caused the 7/7 disaster. I know nothing will ever change people's views, I just hope one day we'll be able to understand one another. Because it's a sad moment when you realise not even your family try to understand you. We just have to hope for the rest of the world.

Girl realising.
x.

Girl drawing.

2010-03-29T07:27:00.000-07:00

Monday 29th March 2010

Just thought I'd upload a picture I've just drawn. It's the thing on my mind at the moment and I guess a picture says a thousand words.

Girl drawing.
x.

Girl believing.

2010-03-22T07:07:00.000-07:00

Monday 22nd March 2009.

So, it's been a while.
I honestly can't remember the last time I wrote this, I just know that around that time the only response I heard from it was negative. And it's never easy to write something that no one else believes in anymore.
But things have changed over the last year, mostly for the better. I've found the man of my dreams (for real this time as well I think!), moved house again and turned eighteen.
Just the other day I was talking to two of my best friends, and the topic got onto life after death. How many people believe in it I wonder? Well for years on end I've stood stubbornly against the idea, but simply over the last week I've been reconsidering it.
My brother told me a story of my favourite Aunt, who I used to write to quite frequently. She had bone cancer, and for ten years more than the doctors gave her she fought it. Her husband, Jim, looked after her and they lived together happily. Until, one day he had a stroke, and suddenly it became a lot more difficult. The following Easter Jim died, and I vividly remember seeing my Aunt waving at his coffin as it went. I wrote to her much more after this, and time after time she told me of how lonely she was. Then she became more sick as the New Year came and the day before she died she told the hospital staff that she was going on holiday, that Jim was taking her, and they were going to Paradise. She died the next day; Valentine's Day.
I do miss writing letters to her, and going to visit.
But, it's stories like that that I find incredibly hard not to believe in. I can honestly put my hand to my heart and say I can't believe in the Bible... but there are some other things I'm finding it difficult to do so with. And at the end of the day, if I were to believe that you can be with your loved ones after life and I'm wrong, I haven't lost anything - but I've gained a lifetime of hope and belief.

Goodbye, to a young girl who was full of life.
Sleep peacefully Tess.

Girl believing.
x.

Girl living the life.

2009-08-07T15:07:00.000-07:00

Friday 7th August 2009.

I don't remember the last time I was this happy all round.
I've always regarded a relationship as being fragile happiness, something that undeniably made you happy - but a happiness that wasn't stable and you're always scared of it being taken away from you at any moment. But for the first time ever, I don't feel like the mat of happiness could be pulled from beneath my feet without a lot of persuasion.
It's also amazing to be able to have your friends and family get on with your boyfriend without them slagging him off when he goes or moaning about certain things.
I think this summer is going to be The Summer. Everyone seems to have a summer they look back to of their childhood/ youth and can't help but smile at how blissfully happy they were and trouble free. I know any problems I have now I'll just look back on in a year or two and laugh at how easy they were, so I figure if I just look at it like that now then it should all seem easy straight away and I can just carry on with being happy.

Happy times make happy memories... Memories last forever.
Girl living the life.
x.

Girl blissfully happy.

2009-08-02T11:32:00.000-07:00

Sunday 2nd August 2009.

Again, it's been a while since I've shouted out to the world so I thought I'd better keep my masses of hooked fans something to read... (in my dreams!).
Well my main motive for writing originally was somewhere and someone to moan to about everything I believed was wrong in the world and how I could put everything to right and the world would become perfect... but just lately I seem to have lost that motive completely. Everything in my life seems to be going well, no major disasters and everyone is happy.
Life is still challenging and demanding at times but then it wouldn't be life if it was anything but.
I couldn't ask for better people to be surrounded by, even if my best friends do insist on teasing me about the boy scenario... I guess it's only pay back for the many years I've sat singing childish songs to them whenever a new guy is on the scene. All's fair in love and war, and all that jazz.
So yeah, the life of Carly Davis is heading towards its peak.

Girl blissfully happy.
x.

Girl acousticed.

2009-07-11T16:30:00.000-07:00

Saturday 11th July 2009.

Today has been pretty awesome. I've spent the day with friends I hardly ever see and when I do it's like we haven't had the six months void inbetween.
Then tonight with friends that I've actually seen more in the last few weeks than in the last six months and again it never has any empty spaces.
The guys came around this evening with their guitars ready to join me with my new electro acoustic that I can only just get something resembling a tune out of. Now I'm writing this sitting with them as they're writing something, I'm not exactly sure whether I can call it a song yet but whatever it is is really nice. I can't wait until I can actually play.
I love being able to sit in on a Saturday night with two great friends and do nothing but make music, or at least on my behalf listen to music. Life has to be good from here.
You need to be surrounded by people that inspire you and make you want to life yourself higher, and there's nothing nicer than knowing the people that can do this are the people you enjoy being with. For a change this isn't just based on my personal experiences, it can be spread across at least the three of us here tonight.
More nights like this should be scheduled for this summer.

That metallic taste of music.
Girl acousticed.
x.

Girl picking the people.

2009-07-10T15:39:00.000-07:00

Friday 10th July 2009.
Billy's Birthday.

What is it that makes your life important? Is it whether you have what you want? Is it whether you give others what they want? Is it whether you're where you need to be? Is it who you're with? Out of all of these I don't think there's one answer for everyone, as we change every day and that's not a bad thing. The worst thing would be only being fixated on one of these aspects. Which the more I think about it the more I notice that a lot of people are.
It's actually quite theraputic to just sit and wonder what it is that makes your life so important. As soon as I ever ask myself that question I just get visions of certain people's faces, which leads me to believe that it's the people in my life that make it so good. Of course the places you are and the things you have will always embellish the rest of your living but the core of your life will always be branched out by the people who hold the foundations for you... But then that's just my opinion.
There are plenty of people that are happy with just what they have not who they have. Although I can't help but question their actual happiness.
What makes your life so important? Even if the importance only lies within your hands, it's still important nevertheless.

"Do you want a lover or do you want a life?"
Girl picking the people.
x.

2009-07-09T15:58:00.000-07:00

Thursday 9th July 2009.

Not long got in from my friends' show of West Side Story. There were all absolutely terrific! Have to metnion that at least. Some of their parts were the best I've ever seen them perform and it just proved how well they could hold a stage, and as they were performing I could just see how comfortable and happy they were to be up there.
During the interval I was talking to one of my best friends about after next year when we all go away to uni. It really is the only thing I can think about at the moment. It just seems so exciting, everything about it, but at the same time scary and daunting. Not the things that most people seem scared of; the money aspect, making no friends, having to cook for yourself - I can deal with all of those things. The things that scare me the most aren't the obstacles that lie before me, but the ones I'm leaving behind.
My worries aren't big enough to have any serious impact on any decisions, but it has just really dawned on me that after a few days of absence from my friends there is usually a text sent round organising a meet up of sorts... how is it going to be after three months apart?! The variable most likely up for change will definitely be my phone bill.
Maybe none of this will work out how we're planning at all, I just don't know. This is coming towards the end of my 'Future Decisions' period of my life, only really have one year left of it until I've made the choice that will then dictate the rest of my life. God, when you say it like that it sounds almost as scary as the teachers make it out to be.
Some lighter news - my electro acoustic came today. My birthday present off my dad (once I'd decided a few months later what I actually wanted). And it's so beautiful, I really do love it. I can't wait until it stops hurting my fingers to play and I get good.

Girl with numb fingers.
x.

Girl going better than imagined.

2009-07-08T15:10:00.000-07:00

Wednesday 8th July 2009.

Spent the day at Aberystwyth University today with my best friend and her dad. It didn't have the spark about it that Kent seemed to have, but it was still a good uni and had a lot going for it. I think the biggest decision about going to uni is deciding which is the most important; the university or the course. Which is why Kent seems so appealing because it has both.
This week of art is great so far, got so much done and it's going better than I imagined. Being able to pick our own title is the best thing they've ever let us do in art.
Had an awesome night, not really done anything spectacular just sat and watched a film with dad and his girlfriend. The thing is it's been a long time since I've been able to do that sort of thing at home without getting annoyed or told off for something.
Maybe my last year at home before going alone will be a drama free one, and one that builds the home I'll look forward to coming back to. I hope so, it's nice to have the whole family happy again.

Never underestimate that... family.
Girl going better than imagined.
x.

Girl checking out universities.

2009-07-07T15:17:00.000-07:00

Tuesday 7th July 2009.

So, by not planning a work experience week they plan to punish us by making us work with the younger years on Activites Week... Shame when they put you in a classroom with teachers you get on with and let you get on with your work. I do love my teachers sometimes.
Been to an art exhibition tonight with some of my work up on display, wasn't anything extravogant but was still kind of cool.
Lately it's becoming more and more profound that my group of friends are changing. Sone of the people I was best friends with when I first started writing my blogs, I barely speak to anymore. I know this will be the case more and more over the next few years, which in some respects is a great shame. - Or is it a chance of new possibilities and better friendships maybe? Who knows we'll just have to wait and see.
And as things lie at the moment I do sort of love it a lot having loads of different random friends that all get on together and click for so many different reasons.

Girl checking out universities.
x.

Girl back online.

2009-07-06T15:11:00.000-07:00

Monday 6th July 2009.

So, it's been a while. I'd like to say I've done something amazing that's taken me away from my blog, but there really hasn't been anything outstanding. I seemed to just be out a lot more than usual with friends having a pretty fabulous time.
It's strange how a short time away from the academic life can change you so quickly. It took no time at all to get used to the parties, pubs and clubs, but now to get back into the school scene proves to be a little more difficult. Just as I am sort of settling back in we'll break up again for summer. Oh well not to worry, the time for that is if I still don't get back into it by the time September comes.
The biggest change over this last month and a half has to be that university is definitely looming on the horizon now. Although I feel looming is probably the wrong word for it, it seems to imply something negative about it which is certainly not what I intend at all. The only worrying thing about the whole prospect is the possibility of not getting into the university I want. - Which by the way, is Kent. I fell in love with it this weekend.
So there's nothing life changing to report to you all, other than I think I'm back from my little rest. I think it's been good, because I don't want my blog to become a tedious chore which I'm afraid might have happend, however now I've just realised that I do actually miss writing it.
There's nothing like boring your friends with your endless mindless ramblings.

There's a life here that's pretty damn good at the moment.
Girl back online.
x.

Girl ready for summer.

2009-05-31T11:05:00.000-07:00

Sunday 31st May 2009.

Well, well, well, what a weekend it has been! The weather is absolutely beautiful at the moment, and everyone seems to be in a good mood because of it.
I've spent the last two days in a friend's garden having the time of my life. I've come to a very important decision in my life... you are NEVER too old to have a bouncy castle, and they are ALWAYS fun.
Summer is all about barbeques, drinking, staying up until it's light again and friends. Summer would never be anything without the people you spend it with, and I can't wait to see what this one brings.
Isn't it strange how you never have two summers alike. Winters always seem to blend into one but summers, they're like mini life stories every year.
What will your chapter be this year?

Girl ready for summer.
x.

Girl had an amazing week.

2009-05-26T14:53:00.000-07:00

Tuesday 26th May 2009.

So it's been a few days, and I'd like to say I've been raced off my feet... but I just haven't.
In fact plenty has happened for me to write a blog about, I just haven't.
The beauty of study leave when you have early exams is that you have an extra random two weeks to have fun and have no burdens of work at all. So I've been taking advantage of that and been shopping, clubbing and having a lot of fun.
It still makes me smile that the UK are confident in their laws of the age of eighteen before you can drink alcohol. But in realistic terms, find me a seventeen year old that doesn't know a corner shop where they can get served or a bar or a club. And even though this breaks the law and almost shows that the country as a whole have failed at something, it's also kind of reassuing. It's nice to know that the rules are there but people as a whole still know when it's ok to break them.
I love the fact that when you're younger you have sleepovers with your couins, then you get a little older and your parents let you have your friends to stay over, then you get a little older still and you're allowed a few friends all at once, then you get past that limit and the opposite sex are allowed across the boundaries. I think you can tell when you aren't childish anymore when you always seem to have more fun when it's guys and girls together.
Don't get me wrong I love my girls, but fun is always so much more when there's everyone. Maybe that links to the fact that I love spontanaeity. Because with girls you always kind of know what's going to happen, whereas when everyone's together every night is different - but always guarenteed fun.

Are all men the same?
Girl had an amazing week.
x.

Girl being childish aparently.

2009-05-18T15:17:00.000-07:00

Monday 18th May 2009.

3 hour long Critical Thinking exams are suicidal.

When did one thing mean something else?
Imagine a smile being bad
Or a kiss meaning hate.
Imagine a war of peace
Or even a silent song.
Imagine imagine as fact
And questions being the answers.
Imagine the truth
Only being lies.
Imagine never being able to understand
The people you know best.
Imaigine everything you're good at -
Being your weakness.
Imagine a cruel world
I see nothing different in that.

Girl being childish aparently.
x.

Girl the latest joke.

2009-05-16T15:14:00.000-07:00

Saturday 16th May 2009.

When did I become such a joke?
When did it become ok to let Carly think you like her, wait until she seems to like you back and then just walk. Why does everyone do that?... Just walk away?
If this is what it's always going to be like then I just give up now, cause it's really not worth the hassle. Not when people are capable of turning you against yourself. How do they do it?
Why do I do it? Why do I let them? Maybe because I don't know how not to. No one's ever told me how.
Who said these are meant to be the best years of your life? If you ask me they seem pretty damned hard, and I'm running out of steam.
The sole main people who are supposed to be here for me... aren't. They're reliving their own lives. While I'm still trying to start mine.
I'm losing sight of why I'm doing any of this anymore. Why the exams? Why the worrying about uni? Does it actually matter?
Cause right now all I want to do is get as far away from here as possible. Because there's too many people around here that've hurt me lately, and I don't want to have to keep being reminded of them anymore.

Girl the latest joke.
x.

Girl used.

2009-05-16T02:38:00.000-07:00

Saturday 16th May 2009.

Ever fainted in an exam?
Try your best not to, it really kind of messes things up.
Isn't it strange how an average day can take such a downhill turn? How 'that guy' can turn out to be just the same as every other guy, or maybe even worse.
I never can understand how someone can outright lie to you for weeks, then not even own up to it and acknowledge their mistakes. What a small person.
Why would someone deliberately set out to hurt someone else and not even show an inkling of consideration in their direction afterwards?
I guess we all try to fool ourself with our opinions of people. I know I always ignore the bad things that are quite clear to everyone else, but it just seems like a much nicer way to see the world.
Should it change? Should I look for the worst in people and be surprised if and when they change my mind about them? Or keep looking for the good parts and take yet another knock when they prove me wrong?
It seems you can't trust anyone, more often than not the people that you thought you could.
And the worst of all is people say "oh they're men" as the excuse. Well I'm sorry but that's absolutely terrible. If that's the case then it means it's been accepted that half of the world's population is allowed to act without regard for anyone else, while the other half just have to sit back and accept it. Well whoever allowed this to be the way the world works was a joke to the rest of us.
I just honestly can't understand how someone could set out with such an intent to do that... and then refuse to even talk to me about it.
Amazing how quickly respect drops away from the seams of a person.

Should have seen what was there and not some holy light.
Girl used.
x.

Girl feeling ill.

2009-05-14T13:11:00.000-07:00

Thursday 14th May 2009.

I'm not sure I've ever felt this ill before. I did have the flu a couple of years ago that was pretty bad I suppose, but this is just something else.
I woke up this morning and felt so hot and dizzy, then all day I've been too hot then too cold, with a headache to go with it. Never good, even worse when you're trying to study for two big exams tomorrow!
I do always seem to have bad timing.
Anyway, I'm going to see if I can get any revision done at all.

Girl feeling ill.
x.

Girl revising.

2009-05-13T14:34:00.000-07:00

Wednesday 13th May 2009.

Daniel's Birthday.

The first day of my exams, and my god has it been a long one!
I have one hugely nagging question though... why on earth do exam invidulators wear high heeled shoes and then walk around on their tip toes for the entire exam - why not just wear flat shoes with rubber soles?!
Sorry, but I had to get that one off my chest, it's been irritating me all day.
After however many years of exams I've been doing now I've finally realised something that's probably been vital all along. Revision actually pays off. I've spent the majority of this week doing overload revision sessions, and I actually felt confident about most of the questions. Knowing my luck though I'll still probably only just about scrape a C.
My brother's birthday meal tonight. Quite a nice success. Although I had one of the strangest experiences of my life. I went to the toilet... and there was a CD playing teaching me spanish!!! As expected I washed my hands as quickly as I could and made my escape.
Right now the only annoying thing (obviously other than the stress of exams and coursework deadlines) is that I wind myself up too easily about silly little things. I keep hypoanalysing things that people probably don't even mean to do or notice that they're doing. And within a couple of minutes I've come up with a really farfetched story.
And the most worrying thing about it is that I know I'm not the only one who does this. You can't tell me you've never come up with a catastrophic story just from a little suggestion of something...

Girl revising.
x.

Girl creating.

2009-05-11T14:50:00.000-07:00

Monday 11th May 2009.

A night complete of just drawing. That probably shouldn't be the case two days before a big exam, and when I have english coursework in, and my art exam work... but hey! I've also realised I've never put any of my art work up on here, which seems strange because it's such a big part of my life.
For ages now I've been set on going to university to study English and writing, of some sorts, but for the last week or so I've been thinking of combining it with art. I'm not certain about it yet, but it's definitely creeping up in the possibilities.
Also the landlord of the flat has agreed to let me paint my room! So I know how I'll be spending the next few weeks.
Any great ideas for a mural?

Anyhow here's the drawings I've been doing tonight:

Hope you like them. I don't actually do that much in one night normally, but I've been feeling particularly arty tonight.

A picture can say a thousand words.
Girl creating.
x.

Girl hoping for the real success.

2009-05-10T14:45:00.000-07:00

Sunday 10th May 2009.

A pretty damn good weekend. Haven't done anything substantial. Haven't saved the world yet. Haven't done a particularly good deed. Haven't even done anything amazingly creative. But good nevertheless.
Everyone tries to do something magnificent with their life, and make their own personal stamp on the world. But is that what we should all strive to achieve? Is getting your name in a star slab, or in the guiness book of world records, or a nobel peace prize really what marks whether we've succeeded or not?
Surely we should measure the success of our life with whether we've made an impact on anyone's life. Whether when we go there will be someone left behind who wouldn't be where they are without the aid of you.
So however important Saving-The-World seems to me, and I know I want to 'succeed' in so many different ways, there is only one thing I really want out of life more than anything else, and I think everyone will agree.
I want someone to say they couldn't have lived without me.
It might be a tall order, but I know that every single person wants nothing less than this from their life.
Yes we all want the house, the car, the holidays, the job, the memories... but it doesn't add up to anything unless you had someone to share it all with.

Girl hoping for the real success.
x.

Girl believing in fairies.

2009-05-05T15:25:00.000-07:00

Tuesday 5th May 2009.

I've just met Derren Brown. Had tickets to see him for months now, and tonight was the night. His shows are absolutely spectacular they really are.
I'm not one of those people that believe in ghosts and spirits and all that malarky, but his stuff really does make you question yourself.
When things like that are brought before us it does test our own judgement, not only on the world around us but on how we see ourselves in it. Is it magic? Or is it just a very clever man, who knows a lot of clever tricks?
The truth of the matter is that it simply doesn't matter.
If you know me well then you'd know that one of my favourite words is 'Believe'.
I'm not religious or anything like that I'm afraid to say. However I do love the idea of it. There's so much more to religion than believing the world was made in seven days. The one thing I wish I could bring into my life is the faith that is paired with religion. Sometimes it doesn't really matter what you believe in, as long as there's something.
Derren Brown's tricks. They are simply just that, and I'm not going to preach that he's psychic and has special powers or anything like that. But at the same time, I have no desire to know the workings of his act. There are some things that are better to be naive about.
Remember when you found out that the coin from behind your ear was actually in their hand all along... oh the dissapointment.
Whereas if you never know, then you can always believe.
It almost doesn't matter what you believe in; be it a dream, a wish, a God, a person or yourself. Make sure there's something. And when you do believe in it, don't tip toe around it. There's no point believing in something unless you put every ounce of your faith into it. If you believe in it then who is anyone else to tell you it's not real?
I believe.
I believe in you.

Children should believe in Santa Claus for as long as they possibly can.
Girl believing in fairies.
x.

Girl whose tummy is rumbling.

2009-05-02T11:28:00.000-07:00

Saturday 2nd May 2009.

For the first time this week I've actually gotten down and done some work... can you tell I'm at my mom's. This house seems to have a good influence on me. Still a lot more to do though... there always is!
At the moment everyone (most) seems to be happy. I don't know whether it's because of the sunshine we're having in spontaneous bursts, or to put it down to something else. I guess the safest thing to blame it on would be luck. It's ambiguous enough to never get it wrong by saying that.
Well, whatever it is that's making my friends happy at the moment I like it - and hope it'll stick around for a while.
This summer is looking like it might even top last year! Didn't think I'd say that, just because of how purely amazing last year was... but you never know.
Tradition is a lovely thing, I really do like it, but - and yes there always is a but whenever I mention anything - I'd never be loyal enough to tradition not to take that jump you sometimes need to take to do something new. Breaking the constraints of tradition is sometimes better than following it.

Never be afraid of surprise. You never know, it might surprise you.
Girl whose tummy is rumbling.
x.

Girl drawing on her hand.

2009-05-01T17:59:00.000-07:00

Friday 1st May 2009.
White Rabbits!

I love the fact that every month on the first my friend texts me saying white rabbits early in the morning so i remember to say it. If you ask me then that's a sign of true friendship.
Everything that you thought was wrong yesterday does always seem to work itself out today. People that you let down can somehow seem to forgive you, even when they didn't have to... I've learnt from my mistakes. I'm not claiming I'll never make any again - far from it - but I'm ready to own up to them and take every lesson from them, after all it can only shape you more as a person.
Right now I honestly think I'm pretty high up there on top of the world. I have an amazing life, and I'm so lucky. Not many people are surrounded by incredible people who will go out of their way to help and support you in everything you want to do; believe in you; forgive you; challenge you; argue with you... but always be there to make up.
This school year has been one of the best in my life. I wouldn't change it for the world.

It's always the people that were there all along.
Girl drawing on her hand.
x.

Girl with a circle.

2009-04-30T14:29:00.000-07:00

Thursday 30th April 2009.

I've just got back from seeing the "Grease" production at my school. Even though I went to see it last night, it was still mesmorising tonight as well. I can never begin to describe the effects of seeing a live show - of any sorts. It gives you a feeling that everyone can experience, but I don't think anyone can quite describe it. And what makes it even more amazing is seeing your best friends up on stage putting their heart and soul into something they've all worked so hard for... and getting what they deserve.
I've had one of the best weeks of my life; a little too much fun considering how close exams are, but it's all good.
I'm so proud of my friends, and think that each of them are brilliant in their own different way. Some people go their whole life not having a circle of people they can love and trust, I'm lucky enough to have several. I'm not naive enough to think we'll all stay together for the rest of our lives, but we've grown up together and that has to count for a lot when you look at it in perspective.
Forgiveness is a big part of life and being able to show you've grown up. That's what I'm most thankful for.

Girl with a circle.
x.

Girl loving the tarnish.

2009-04-28T14:50:00.000-07:00

Tuesday 28th April 2009.

So, I spent all day getting excited about going to see my best friend's performance of Mamma Mia... then within the first five minutes one of the lead roles twisted her ankle and couldn't walk. Show cancelled. Gutted.
In the end we had a girly night in at the flat, got to love it. After realising earlier just how much art work I had to do within the next two weeks, it turned out to be quite a productive night. Painting my friends' faces with Climate Change campaign slogans is definitely the way forward, even if the paint does make your face so hard it feels like you've been botoxed.
Right now things aren't perfect, in fact there are a lot of things that are very much tarnished... however I'm happy. I guess life isn't about being sad about the things you don't have, it's about the happiness from the things you do have. If we looked at everything in that light I think we'd have a far happier nation. It isn't even the 'things' we have, not for me anyway; it's the people.
Friends change all the time, and even though the ones I expected to stay haven't, it turns out that maybe it'll all work out anyway. The friends that are practically family will be around for a long time to come yet - I'd bet my life on it.

Girl loving the tarnish.
x.

Girl more than lucky.

2009-04-27T15:13:00.000-07:00

Monday 27th April 2009.

I think it's a very lucky thing to find someone you get on well with. But is it merely luck to find someone you get on with, you can talk to for hours on end without running short of things to talk about, agree with, understand and simply have a laugh with.
Fun shouldn't cost a penny... and these last few nights I've seriously learnt that.
Life never seizes to surprise me, and I'll always appreciate that. A life that's lived along the expected line seems like the most dreaded way of living if you ask me. I can't imagine knowing what every day is going to be like, well actually I can... and I don't like it one bit. At the moment, I like not knowing, I like the scared feeling I get in the pit of my stomach although best of all I like knowing that absolutely anything can happen. Anything at all.

We make our own choices, and our choices make us.
Girl more than lucky.
x.

Girl sitting smiling.

2009-04-26T11:13:00.000-07:00

Sunday 26th April
Rouge Day! - The Girls.

This weekend has been pretty amazing. Friday night turned out to be a partial disaster, which resulted in a good story but a two hour walk home at two o'clock in the morning in the cold is never a good thing. Then Alton Towers; a day with the friends in the rain and shine... automatically equals a good day - even if it is after a night of only four hours sleep.
Then last night, one of the most random nights of my life yet. But like I've said before in so many of my blogs, nothing beats a little randomness.
Have you ever stayed up all night, almost without even realising it? Transfixed in the moment so that you don't see the others simply pass you by. I spent the night last night with someone I haven't really caught up with properly in years, and now I really can't figure out for the life of me why. It's strange how we seem to lose contact with the people that are right on our door step.
I've officially decided that the sunrise is one of the nicest things ever, and it's weird to think that we can see something so beautiful every day... and yet we don't. I think I might get up to see it more often, it shouldn't be wasted.
Saturday nights are all about;
Talking.
Films being on but not watching them.
Going to buy drinks.
Going on random drives.
Talking.
Asda car park.
Rabbits in the lanes.
Talking.
Making chocolate cake.
Eating chocolate cake.
Listening to music.
Singing - falsetto.
Talking.
Heart breakers.
Texting in to the radio.
Going for walks at 5am.
Watching the sun rise.
First kisses.
Talking.
Falling asleep in front of a movie.
...Smiling about it the next day.

Happiness isn't something you experience, it's something you remember.
Girl sitting smiling.
x.

Girl singing in her head.

2009-04-21T15:30:00.000-07:00

Tuesday 21st April 2009.

Liam's Birthday.

So today my minds been drifting around like a carousel. I really don't think I'll ever understand the meanderings of my own mind, let alone try and figure out someone else's. Or would that actually be easier, because you'd see things a lot more contrasted in black and white without the grey area brimming with emotion.
One thing I can't seem to answer, however long I turn it over for is why and how people seem to possess you so much? Why can a day's thoughts hang around one person, even if you haven't spoken to them... or maybe it's because you haven't spoken to them. Every time your phone buzzes and you're telling yourself you know it's not them, but deep down inside we all know you're hoping it's them. When you come online they're the first person you look for. When you hear a nice song on the radio, it's them you're thinking about.
It's not like you're actually obsessed, you don't even particularly want to be if the truth be told... it's just the way it is. And however much we deny it to everyone, we actually deny it to ourselves twice as much. Because it's not nice to feel like that - especially when it has no path to follow.
I truly don't understand it how one person can have such a hold over you - and they probably don't even realise it. Neither did you, until it was too late.
Laugh if you want, but think deep inside and I would bet my life that we've all been there once or twice.
Gone are the days of waiting by the phone, welcome to the refresh button on facebook.

Girl singing in her head.
x.

Girl welcoming the sun.

2009-04-20T14:58:00.000-07:00

Monday 20th April 2009.

Back to school, and don't you just love it? Well no, not this time I didn't. I think today may have been one of the worst days of my entire school life. By some people's standards it probably wasn't that bad, but... I'm not sure entirely how to describe it other than saying everything I love about school was absent from today. My head was playing truent from any work that was set, while the novelty of hanging out with my favourite people in the world was also brought crumbling down because of present events. However, on the same side as that I must also say that I have seen something within my friends today that I hope I could reflect back at them if they ever needed it - although I'm sure they never will because they're all much nicer people than I'll ever be. I'm not saying that as some sort of undying statement that's meant to evoke some sort of sympathy, it's just that I know I do a lot of selfish things, most of which are stupid too. And luckily I have friends who know that, and are always there to laugh at me and kick it back in my face... but help me get the dust out my eyes once it's all settled.
I'm also getting rather fed up with the hold a guy can have on a girl. Do they even realise that they have this power? Because I seriously think they should be given some lessons on how to treat it with some common curtosy... Maybe that's a little harsh actually because this time "He's" done nothing wrong - and yet it still makes me feel so uneasy.
I wonder if we have this effect on them? Sometimes I really doubt we do because guys appear too laid back and not bothered enough to care or think about us as much as we do them. They can't possibly - no one's that good of an actor.

I haven't fallen, merely tripped a little.
Girl welcoming the sun.
x.

Girl in the dog house.

2009-04-19T08:14:00.000-07:00

Sunday 19th April 2009.

So I've officially deserted my blog for a few weeks, and I really have missed it. My laptop broke so while having it fixed I was thrown from the normal routine of writing before I went to bed.
Well, a lot's happened this Easter. A lot more than any of my previous Easters anyway. I think I've made one of the biggest mistakes of my life and put my friendships on the line for the sake of it.
We have to do things ourselves to understand and learn from them, but sometimes I honestly wish that wasn't the case. Why can't I just live by the morals I judge other people by? I don't know about everyone else but I know that I can be so hypocritical sometimes.
This holiday I've learnt a lot about myself and my friends. I've always been the one for living life for the moment and having as much fun as possible within every single moment. And I do still think that's hugely important, however the more I think about it the more I see the importance of long term things. Because they're who I'll want to share the fun times with.
Some risks just aren't worth taking and some mistakes aren't worth making.
Also, sometimes someone's worth changing it all for.

Girl in the dog house.
x.

Girl who knows too little.

2009-04-02T14:05:00.000-07:00

Thursday 2nd April 2009.

I guess I havent written a blog for a while because it's something I do when I have something I need to talk about, get off my chest for a while... and lately everything's been fine and dandy for me so what have I got to moan about to everyone? Nothing I guess.

Although tonight I've just been thinking about a few things.

I'm one that goes with living to the full while you're young, because I know I'll regret anything I don't do now when I'm older. But does that apply to everything? Things that you'd never want your mom and dad to find out, but things that we all do anyway... These types of things never really stay in the 'unknown' category anyway, these are the things our parents always seem to find out first.

Nevertheless I'm thinking maybe having fun and living for the moment isn't always the best way.
By those standards don't you miss out on the other things that are just that little bit deeper? May I never reach those if I just skim across the top of everything?

Originally I said I'd never explain anything from here that I'd written, if you didn't understand it from me then you don't need to... I haven't entirely stuck to that all of the time, but that goes for this now.

I'm pubically announcing that You really hurt me. More than I could ever have apparently hurt you. And you couldn't have meant what you said in the slightest, otherwise you simply wouldn't have done it... or not done it as the case may be. This wasn't your second chance, or your third, or even your fourth for that matter, it was your last.

I know you're only defence would be, 'I thought we were just friends'...
Well friends shouldn't be treated like that, whatever the reason may be.

Girl who knows too little.

x.

Girl listening intently.

2009-03-26T15:56:00.001-07:00

Thursday 26th March 2009.

Today we had a guest speaker in at school... a survivor from the Holocaust.
Normally if I'm listening to someone speak, then after twenty minutes at the most I'm already looking around the room and shuffling in my chair. However this time I was transfixed for an hour and a half.
I've never had such respect for a person within seconds of them walking into a room. When an hall full of school children are asked to stand while someone walks in they always do it just because they have to, but today there wasn't a sigh of hostility amongst the hundreds of people there.
The man himself was absolutely iconic. He kept referring to himself as being a very lucky person, and all I kept asking myself is how can someone go through such a life of hardship, pain and ordeals and still come out of it claiming they're lucky?
I guess that it puts all my traumas and troubles into a great deal of perspective. How can we moan about trivial things every day when there are so many people out there suffering in the world we live in today. The speaker said one situation that really struck me to be moving; the government in power in England now insist that they're doing all they can to help developing countries that are suffering from poverty, which all seems fair and good - even if it is a little exaggerated... but try telling a mother that's lost a child that you're 'doing your best'. Obviously our best isn't good enough. And we should want to make something more of ourselves and our society.
As for the holocaust I can't do it justice in a little blog. There's no amount of my rattle that could ever even come to terms with such evil. And I don't think anyone will ever truly be able to understand how someone could do such things to completely innocent people.
They say they were 'following orders'. There's no such thing as 'following orders' to such an extent. That is plain and simply committing mass murder... genocide.
Don't you think it's disgusting that we have to have a word for killing millions of people?
We hear quite a few things about survivors of the Holocaust, there are many books published about them and TV documentaries. We can merely begin to imagine what they went through.
I think to be able to learn about a surviving Nazi Prison Guard would also be very interesting.
A survivor can see their lives as 'lucky' and be thankful for their fate and having the strength to be able to live through it. However a Prison Guard has to live with regret, hatred from the world and knowing they're weak.
Personally I'm not sure who I fell more sorry for...

Girl listening intently.
x.

Girl waiting for inspiration.

2009-03-25T16:28:00.001-07:00

Wednesday 25th March 2009.

Ok, so I have my art exam on Friday and I don't have my idea planned out and prepared yet... Panic is starting to set in. Last year I was prepared weeks before hand, now I'm really struggling. I painting a 2x2ft piece of wood white this evening and now I'm just waiting for the inspiration to kick in.
My title's Changes in the Climate.
I'm thinking about painting 'The Future' a skyline city with a stormy sky in oranges and red like Bob Barker's style, with litter such as penguin wrappers to represent those being the only penguins left on the earth.
I'm not really too sure how that would all go together as a composition though.
Well we'll soon see.
Sorry for the lack of poignant thought tonight, but my mind is everywhere else but blogging at this moment in time I'm afraid.

Girl waiting for inspiration.
x.

Girl young free and single.

2009-03-24T17:09:00.001-07:00

Tuesday 24th March 2009.

Ok, I'm becoming terrible at keeping up to date with blogs. Nevertheless, back to my unanswerable questions... why is it that so many people judge others just because they lead their life a little differently to them?
Why because one person likes to play the field a little does it make them a 'slut' or such like? Can't it just be seen as young, free and single. If you can't do it now then when can you do it? Also at the end of the day I don't see what's so wrong with a little harmless flirting banter.
Also on the other hand why do people look at those in relationships and always find something to bitch about the couple? Why is it that we feel the need to pass judgement over someone else's relationship? If it's not including us within the relations then surely it's not asking for our opinion on any other principle for it either. Generally I've noticed people ask for your opinion when they want it... any other time it's best kept to yourself.
All in all, if you're single you might as well enjoy it... if you're in a relationship make sure you act like you are. Either way you could end up getting hurt if you cross over the barriers, or worse: hurt someone else.

Girl young free and single.
x.

Girl blissfully naive.

2009-03-19T15:43:00.003-07:00

Thursday 19th March 2009.

Which is more important to us in this day and age? Love or sex?
The answer should always be love, but I'm very certain that barely anyone would go their whole life in a loving relationship without sex. Is it ridiculous to think that no one could do that? Or even more ridiculous to expect it of someone?
Obviously I'm not going to run along an join a nunnery or anything like that, but I do find it mildly interesting that sex is such a huge part of our life.
It doesn't keep us alive as breathing, eating and drinking does... and yet without it people seem to fall apart...
This is a topic I'm sure people could discuss for endless days and still not come to a stable conclusion.
And as for love... well. I come to two endings with that; write only about it and get no further or just stop all together and hope for a solution to burst upon me. It sounds awfully cliched for a teenager to be writing about the aspects of love, and I hate it for that reason. However, I also resent that view, because who says a 'teenager' can't know just as much about it as any adult. If anything, a teenager's view on love will always be far more truthful than that of an adult, because with youth comes blissful naivety.
So, for get 'to be or not to be' because that is the question no more....
'Love or sex' that is the question.
Which would you pick?

I'm currently reading Lady Chatterley's Lover - I'm not just some self obsessed freak... promise.
Girl blissfully naive.
x.

Girl blissfully naive.

2009-03-19T15:43:00.001-07:00

Girl with a powerful hand.

2009-03-18T16:50:00.001-07:00

Wednesday 18th March 2009.

Is it good to get all your dreams come true, or is it sometimes better to live with a little uncertainty?
Of course the main purpose for our dreams and asperations is to make us live in such a way we strive to fulfill them and gain as much out of life as we possibly can. But by actually grasping them whole in our greedy little hands do we actually become a better person for it?
If we never claimed anything we reach for then I think we would quickly stop trying at all. But in the single moment you get everything you ever wished for, you instantly lose everything you learnt on the way.
As wonderful as it is for us to have all our wishes come true it is far more important to still have dreams.
So, if you don't get delt the hand you wanted, don't begrudge life too much; instead be thankful. You may not have noticed but it just delt you a handful of dreams, which is the most powerful hand a man can have.

Girl with a powerful hand.
x.

Girl missing her.

2009-03-17T15:44:00.001-07:00

Tuesday 17th March 2009.

I've just gotten back from the cinema with my girl friends. We went to see Marley and Me; a film I'm certain will go down in history to be an amazing film.
It hauled me down that old lane often referred to as Memory and brought back some amazing memories.
I've always been a very 'doggy' person, I can't understand people that don't like them. I had a dog, called Bonnie. She was my best friend, and I don't think anyone could take that particular place ever again. There was something about her that was so much more than just-a-dog. She was an individual. She had a personality, memories and complete life of her own. She knew her family and her friends. She knew how to work us all to get what she wanted, and she knew when to give in to us to let us get what we wanted.
Every day we had her she brought a smile to our faces in one way or another. Also a regular occurance would be quite the opposite, usually resulting in her running under the table chewing something so we couldn't get at her. But I wouldn't change any of that for the world, even the times I wanted to scream at her, because that's who she was.
It makes me unbelievably upset even now, over two years after she's died. Because no matter what anyone says, she wasn't just-a-dog, she was my dog, my family... my friend.
Like any other time, I can always get a new friend, but they never quite live up to the first ones that you grew up with.
So here it is, my blog inspired by that film; now one of my all time favourites. It's not as good as I really wanted this to be, but I'm not sure I'd ever be satisfied with what I wrote about her, because I'm not sure I'll ever be a good enough writer to get this down the way I want to.
However this is for everyone that's ever had a dog. That may be just-a-dog but maybe that's all you need them to be. For being just-a-dog is possibly far better than anything any of us could hope to be.
When did a dog ever give you a doubtful look? ... Walk away? ... Or not sit and listen? In my opinion a dog isn't just a man's best friend, a dog is anyone's best friend that needs them. A lot more than just-people most of the time.

Girl missing her.
x.

Girl getting her head down.

2009-03-16T16:01:00.000-07:00

Monday 16th March 2009.

Now I'm taking school seriously... sort of. I'm going to the library until 6 o'clock after school until exams. Although you know me when I make pledges, I rarely stick to them. But I do try, I promise!
The weather today has been a promise for the rest of the year. Beautiful sunshine. It made me smile the fact that we get a little bit of nice weather and everyone in the sixth form common room evacuated onto the field to bask in some of the premature summer rays. I even wore my new flowery dress for the occasion.
I do miss the snow, but I have to say I also do love the summer. I wonder what it'll bring this year.
Hopefully a trip to canada and spend two weeks writing...?

Girl getting her head down.
x.

Girl with a future?

2009-03-14T13:50:00.001-07:00

Saturday 14th March 2009.

So, I spent last night with one best friend and today with another. And my, my what a brilliant time I've had. The Future seems to have cropped up in conversation a lot just lately, maybe because it's actually starting to poke its nose upon our horizon and we're all becoming curious about what shape it is actually going to take.
For years now I've been so excited about leaving Walsall and going to university to study the one thing I care about 100% and learning to live independently. Now don't get me wrong for a minute, I'm still unexplainably excited about these things, but as I see it rising bigger and bigger in front of me in the shape of My Future, it feels a little more daunting every day.
What if I can't do it and I'm not as good at things as I like to think I am?
Also today my friend and I discussed, over drinks in Starbucks, five things we want by the time we're thirty. Mine were:
A stable relationship.
A dog.
A home of my own.
A good job that I love.
A walk-in-wardrobe.
Now that I've shared them publically I think I'll strive even harder to fulfill them just so it doesn't appear as failure to more people than just myself.
At this moment in time we can still get excited about our future at thirty because that's still hiding behind a big hill and won't lurk on the brim of our horizon for a long time yet.
So, yeah, I'll just distract myself from My Future of university by imagining that huge walk-in-wardrobe.

Girl with a future?
x.

Girl now seventeen and a day.

2009-03-10T15:13:00.001-07:00

Tuesday 10th March 2009.

I know I'm an absolute disgrace! It feels like ages since I did my last blog, I've been very busy though.
It was my birthday yesterday and the night before that I went out for a meal with all of my friends.
Tonight my Nan and Granddad came over for dinner, that I slaved over in the kitchen for a couple of hours before they came! I use the word 'slaved' relatively loosely. Anyway the dinner went well, you'll be glad to hear, and we all had a very pleasant evening.
I did have a little ponder upon something though.
It never ceases to amuse me how my grandparents act together. I could never imagine one of them without the other. They finish each other's sentences, literally, all the time and all of the annecdotal stories they tell are always told in character by my Nan with Granddad filling in with the narrative. It is quite funny to watch but also very... nice.
When it comes to marriages and relationships there is so much difficulty. Even in what I've experienced in my few years, so I can't imagine what it's like after a whole life of it. But even after all the hard times that they have inevitably gone through it is just plain and simply 'nice' to be able to see two people together after over fifty years and still be able to bear each other's company and still be in love. Obviously it is a completely different type of love to anything I may or may not know about, but nevertheless it still remains strong.
It is nice sometimes to be able to have that little flickering reminder that somethings in life are simply nice and have a good ending.

In comparison to that I really don't like the ending of Tess of the D'Urbervilles, that is most definitely not a plain and simple nice ending. Although I don't think I'd respect that book anywhere near as much as I do if it had been your typical Happy Ending. The sadness simply ignighted the realism of it.

Girl now seventeen and a day.
x.

Girl reading her book.

2009-03-05T13:44:00.000-08:00

Thursday 5th March 2009.

World Book Day.
I've spent the whole of today dressed up as Peter Pan with people constantly asking me if I'm Robin Hood or Peter Pan, which got a little tedious by the end of the day.
I must admit though that today has been one of those days that's been brilliant for no apparent reason. Maybe it's because it's world book day, that has to be pretty high up on my best days of the year.
At the moment I'm reading 'Tess of the D'Urbervilles' by Thomas Hardy. I thought it was one of those books that I should read because of its status but I have actually found it enjoyable and fairly interesting, even if the character of Tess does annoy me a lot.
Even in those times I cannot understand how someone can say that they are unworthy of living and they would be pleased if their husband killed them because it would mean that he saw her as his property and had the right to do that. Bizzare or what!!! I understand that the power in relationships was a lot more biased back then but certainly that can't have that much of an impact in your own head? Or maybe it can. Maybe the morals we are brought up in decipher exactly how we perceive ourselves and judge whether we are worthy or not.
I hope that no one ever has to feel the thought that they aren't worthy of someone else, for as soon as you believe that it becomes true.

Girl reading her book.
x.

Girl with a role model.

2009-03-02T12:54:00.001-08:00

Monday 2nd March 2009.

Today in English Language we were discussing our role models, and as it came around I realised I'd never written a blog on one of the most important people in my life. I don't normally name names but for this case I feel it is more than acceptable.
Aunty Olive, my Granddad's elder sister. She was an absolutely amazing woman who I learned to love for reasons of my own other than the fact she was family. I used to write to her, usually of nothing particularly interesting but she would always reply with such lovely letters. I trusted her with so many things I wouldn't tell other adults. When I was nearly fifteen I wrote to her telling her of a boyfriend I had, followed by swearing her to secrecy... which she never once broke. Following that she'd always ask after the rest of the family and how their well being was, while the whole time she was suffering from an evil illness.
When I was about five my Granddad told my Dad to take us to see her because she was very ill and might not live for long.
Ten years later she died a year after her husband who had been in relatively good health compared to that of hers.
She was such a strong woman who never let her spirits get dampened. It was nice to be able to go and visit her and be positive we would be greeted with the warmest smile that included her whole face, not just her mouth, as a lot of people these days do.
She died on 13th February 2008. I sometimes think maybe she didn't want a Valentine's Day alone.
I'm thankful to Aunty Olive for so much, but most of all for making me enjoy writing so much. There was no feeling the same as when a letter fell onto the mat addressed to me in her familiar writing. Of all the things I will ever miss she will always remain.

I hope one day to be that strong.
Girl with a role model.
x.

Girl giggling at slippers.

2009-03-01T14:26:00.001-08:00

Sunday 1st March 2009.

Bethan's Birthday.

It's a fact of life that all you need to make you feel better is some good friends. Last night I felt like absolute crap (if you didn't gather) whereas tonight I couldn't feel any better. Well, I probably could but that's besides the point.
I love how you can go out with another person's family and feel so at ease. I haven't laughed that much in such a long time, and the best part of laughing so much is when it can't be shared afterwards. The best jokes are always ones that outsiders just don't get.
All in all I've had a pretty amazing day, a lot of it was unexpected and didn't go completely the way it was supposed to but that just made it all the better. My days are so much nicer now that I don't have to worry about returning to a house I live in, instead being able to go back to my home that my friends can turn up at.

Happy birthday my best friend, I hope you have many more like it.
Girl giggling at slippers.
x.

Girl hurt.

2009-02-28T07:28:00.001-08:00

Saturday 28th February 2009.

Ok so no cryptic metaphors or anything like that today. I'm genuinly hurt.
How can someone go from one extreme feeling to another, always set out to hurt you? While at the same time being so damned hypocritical!
If I did that I wouldn't hear the end of it, but for them to do it is perfectly acceptable...
I can't get my head around the fact that they think it wouldn't hurt me and to just rub my nose in it.
Sometimes I feel like just screaming in their face everything I feel, but I honestly don't think it would have any effect at all. They probably still wouldn't realise.
The worst of it is, it would all be a lot easier if I were able to hate them for it.

Girl hurt.
x.

Girl walking into the darkness.

2009-02-26T15:02:00.001-08:00

Thursday 26th February 2009.

Seriously, how fast is this year going? It's actually quite scary.
I've been having one of those days today where I think a lot about that crazy thing we all throw ourselves into every day... life.
I can't decide whether we should plan our time so that we get the most out of it, or would that eventually only limit our fulfillment?
In the end I came to a conclusion (I use the word conclusion very lightly because I'm sure I'll come up with another 'conclusion' at some point).
Every part of our life is like a dark room with doors at either end. When you're younger everything feels safe because you have the light from one door to light your way, as you get older the light becomes more faint and you have to make a decision whether to cross the room in the dark completely naive to what may come across your path, or you can walk against the wall. The wall is a steady route that will get you where you need to be without any worrying complications. As you get older the door at the other end of the room begins to let in light to show you your way, so once again everything becomes a little more clearer allowing you to look back on your room and see everything you've overcome.
So, I guess the biggest decision we ever have to make is whether we walk with one hand on the wall or we risk tripping over something in the darkness. Neither of them are wrong or right, merely different.
A nice feeling about it all is that it's never too late to move towards the wall if you need to, or make your way out into the unknown either. It just may be a little tricker than you may have imagined.

Girl walking into the darkness.
x.

Girl craving a little boredom.

2009-02-24T14:31:00.001-08:00

Tuesday 24th February 2009.

A day like none before and hopefully none to come.
There are certain times in all of our lives where we suddenly understand what it's like to grow up that little bit more. Just lately it feels like I've been experiencing these moments a lot more often than before. Is it a good thing to learn, or bad that your childhood is leaving you quicker than you're ready to let go?
I miss times when things were simple. When you could do something just because you wanted to and it felt right. When you didn't stop before every action because you had to consider everyone else's feelings towards something. That may seem an incredibly selfish statement to make, but that isn't its intention. I simply miss the simple things.
Is this just the 'teenage years' that we just spend our time pondering The Meaning of Life and everything seems worse than it is? Does it get easier, or is this just the beginning?

When people say they need time, what does that mean? What will they know in a month's time that they don't know deep down right now?
Girl craving a little boredom.
x.

Girl overwhelmed by a game.

2009-02-23T14:57:00.000-08:00

Monday 23rd February 2009.

So we're all playing a big game together. Admit it or not, that is your choice. However your participation isn't up for negotiation.
Every day we join in this fight for who will come out with the guy/ girl they want. The most amusing part of this game is the most it occurs is between two people who actually like each other. Why is that the case?
Why do we spend so much time playing with each other's emotions, creating obstacles and drama, when really everything is plain and simple? Do we do it because we fear the rejection of it all going wrong, that we would have to blame it on ourselves and not someone else? Or possibly just for the fun of the game?
Whatever our motives may be I'm still very unsure of our continuous participation along this course.
I know I won't be the first to start a conversation every time, I know I feel hurt when there's only one 'x' and I know it makes me smile when someone pays particular attention to me more than usual. But I'm still not sure why.
The only conclusion I can possibly come up with is that we're all born into one big game, that we play from a very young age. So, does marriage mean you're too old to play that game anymore? Or is it just a new round?

Girl overwhelmed by a game.
x.

Girl sorry.

2009-02-20T04:25:00.001-08:00

Friday 20th February 2009.

Martin's Birthday.
The day after the night before. I think I've managed to hurt someone I care about, again, but for the right reasons I hope.
Going away on a Climate Change course with my best friend today, should be good to get away for a few days. Plus the fact it's an amazing opportunity.
I really hope everything turns out right, the way people always comfort you and tell you it will. It hasn't yet so I'm still waiting.

Have a good weekend.
Girl sorry.
x.

Girl playing a ghost.

2009-02-18T04:54:00.000-08:00

Wednesday 18th February 2009.

I've just been looking through my mom and dad's wedding album. It's sort of ghost like for me to look at a captured moment of everyone so happy with what was happening in that one snippet of time. Looking at the faces of people who have no idea how things are going to turn out.
Would they have done it differently if they knew? Or was the experience worth it?
Do you think two people that are so in love should get married just for that reason or shout it be something more than love? Is there anything more than love? Because everyone who gets married is supposedly 'in love' but why do so many of them end badly?
Are there cases when you can't help but love someone forever?
Should people have children so quickly into a relationship or marriage? What if it doesn't work out and you're then stuck with a child that, you may love, but every day it's just a constant reminder of something you didn't do right.
Looking at the wedding album I just want to jump in and scream at them to stop before it goes too far, before they ruin their lives and make a mistake. Maybe then they'd both have been happier?
Or maybe it would have just happened with other people.
Then that scares me, because what if I make a mistake that I have to live with every day? What if I already have?...

Girl playing a ghost.
x.

Girl ducking.

2009-02-17T15:54:00.001-08:00

Tuesday 17th February 2009.

Why doesn't life ever just go smoothly? You have parts that are so incredibly boring you want to cry, and then others when things are flying at you from so many different directions you aren't sure what should be done first.
If you know someone's life is about to change and they don't is that going against every moral going? Surely if it's your life you should know, and not be the last one? How come, in that case, that that is rarely the way it works.
I would do anything to be little again and only have to worry about hiding my shoes so I could play longer.
The bigger you get the bigger the problems, how old is it again before you start to shrink?

Am I in too deep?
Girl ducking.
x.

Girl out of everything.

2009-02-14T15:03:00.000-08:00

Saturday 14th February 2009.

Valentine's day.
Supposed to be the most romantic night of the year.
I end up drunk for the wrong reasons and completely on my own.
FUN
Love and life really don't go together on their own. Like seriously, you can't have one without losing the other.

Girl out of everything.
x.

Girl prepared.

2009-02-12T14:36:00.001-08:00

Thursday 12th February 2009.

The run up to Valentine's day.
If you ask me (which no one has, but since when did I need a request?) then an official day that is planned for a huge population is the most unromantic way you could go about it. What is romantic about a specific date you have to buy someone a card and a gift? It seems like a demand you are required to fulfil. Surely a romantic day would be a completely random and spontaneous day filled with the unexpected, a day that was only yours - not one that the whole world was invited to.
This is coming from someone who has always been single on Valentine's day so maybe I'm just bitter, however I still think I'll always stand strong by spontanaeity for a long time yet.
I guess it does just give some people a push in the right direction though.

Love is being stupid together.
Girl prepared.
x.

Girl up late.

2009-02-10T13:55:00.001-08:00

Tuesday 10th February 2009.

You know when everything suddenly turns from unbearable to absolutely perfect? Yeah, it isn't a familiar feeling to me either but it's really starting to grow on me.
Although isn't amazing how quickly a night can disappear into nothing. I had a lot of plans for this evening, hardly any of which I've actually carried out! Then comes the big trauma, do I cram it in by staying up an extra hour or do I just try and do it tomorrow. Putting things off usually results in me not doing them though.
An extra hour never killed anyone did it?
Besides, staying up late to do work is the best reason if you ask me, it means that you're actually enjoying it and you get something good out of it.
Don't think 'geek' too loudly, I might hear you.

Girl up late.
x.

Girl wondering.

2009-02-08T13:44:00.000-08:00

Sunday 8th February 2009.

Which is the most important, the way you feel about someone or the way you act towards them? If you love someone is it acutally love unless you show it? That goes for hate, anger, lust, revenge...
We all feel different things for different people all along the scale of intensity, but does it make a difference how you feel if you never act upon it.
You could hate everyone you ever meet, but always act kindly, would that make you a bad person? You could hate everyone and allow them to know how you really feel, which would be better?
Following those standards, if you love someone do you let them know, or just keep it under contol.

Is it real if no one can see it?
Girl wondering.
x.

Girl out of synch.

2009-02-06T16:48:00.001-08:00

Friday 6th February 2009.

Time. I guess it's what makes the world tick round in an orderly fashion and keeps everything in its special little place. But what about if there's one case where every time you need something you miss it by a second and you're constantly out of synch with it.
Should there be a limit on how long you keep reaching for it before you finally realise you may never reach it? Or should you continue to aim for your target, knowing deep down that some things are worth the wait?
Surely sooner or later Time will give people a break and let things synchronise. If not do you live 'happy' or live in hope?
If anyone knows what I'm on about then you've earned a lot of respect from me. If not, don't worry about it - I'm not sure I do.

Girl out of synch.
x.

Girl aching from fun.

2009-02-04T14:48:00.001-08:00

Wednesday 4th February 2009.

I offically love the snow. Never in my whole life have I spent so much time freezing cold and having so much fun!
The last couple of days has been very typical wintery innocent fun. Throwing snow balls until your hands are blue and are so numb you can no longer feel the cold. When it doesn't even matter if you hit your target or not, it's still fun. Cakes, it's not the fact they taste delicious; it's the baking it that's the fun part.
I have had one of the best weeks of my entire life. Probably because I've spent it with some of the most amazing people ever.
No matter how much time passes between us or how many arguments cross inbetween us all. I'm certain there will never be a time we can't all sit together and laugh at nothing at all.
I don't really have an outstanding moral for you tonight, just a simple reminder from an amazing speech.
'Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.'
We take our friends for granted every single day. Make sure you take a little time out to just think about everything they've ever done for you, never be too shy to offer a little back.

What if you were a siamese twin joined so you were facing someone and you needed to be sick?
Girl aching from fun.
x.

Girl sharing a path.

2009-02-02T15:00:00.000-08:00

Monday 2nd February 2009.

Oh, the snow today. It's completely magical I love the way it fills the sky and makes everything purely perfect in such a short time, hiding all the imperfections underneat... for such a short time. Also the tumbling fun it creates. It's not often these days young people have innocent and carefree fun, snow seems to allow that again.
Also I've realised a few things tonight. Throughout each of our little lives we'll all link paths with many different people, some will carry along our path for longer than others, but all of their footprints will stay on that path forever. Is it a good thing or bad that the further forward you travel the less distinct their footprints will seem? Whether good or bad it will be inevitable.
I think it's an important decision whether you want to walk along someone elses path, and how long for. Is it taking you away from your own path or leading you in the direction you should have taken all along?
There are some people that will travel the entire journey with you, and obviously others who won't. That is life. It's hard to say goodbye sometimes, but often one goodbye will lead you to a thousand more hellos.
I hope my path continues with a certain few of the people that are on it at the moment.

I remember why you're one of my best friends.
Girl sharing a path.
x.

Girl still young.

2009-02-01T03:20:00.001-08:00

Saturday 31st January 2009.

Young and in love.
It's a phrase we often hear. It's a phrase that brings a smile to your face, requited or not. But is it actually possible?
I'm highly cynical on this particular subject or at least towards the approach. I'm very uncertain how the mechanics work of learning to love someone when they haven't even become an individual yet. Surely this is the age of discovery, learning and adventure towards yourself, so how can people throw the word 'love' around all over the place?
In my books love is time. If you can give a valuable amound of life... your life to another person and still actually 'like' them for it then that is a certain measure of love. If you can know and understand every fault of a person and not let your judgement of them alter, then that is love. If you could spend a year in their absence and your heart reamins beside their's, then that is love. So, please allow me to understand how you can be young and in love...
I'm not denying a young person's ability to love. If anything being young is the only time your love will be widely on offer. However, I don't think you can be young and 'in' love. It just doesn't add up.
But maybe it isn't supposed to...? Maybe this is the afe of discovery, learning and adventure - for love. Maybe my judgement is farthest from the trail by me trying to work out the mechanics of love. We could all hope and believe that love is the sole thing in life that doesn't work on mechanics.

Care to prove me wrong?
Girl still young.
x.

Girl confessing as a geek.

2009-01-29T15:13:00.001-08:00

Thursday 29th January 2009.

My day today has been a massive improvement on yesterday, always a good starting point eh?
This evening I have been unbelievably cool by reading various critics for a poem we're studying in English Literature. As much as I love delving into things that I didn't understand and then finally coming back up with a small grasp of the meaning of it... sometimes I find it damned hard. But surely that's the sole purpose of things you love: to challenge you to your limits and you're still able to come out with passion remaining. Yes, yes I know, corney.
But while reading some of the critics' opinions on it I discovered a very interesting point that Keats may have been trying to get across to his audience.
"However self-destructive and intense love may be, the lover has little choice in the matter."
I think that is one of the best phrased honest philosophies I have ever heard. It is so true of so many things. I'm not sure I could have unearthed that from a poem of Keats' but now I've read it the meaning of the whole poem suddenly shows how vulnerable he made himself to anyone who was patient enough to untangle his twisted riddles.

Girl confessing as a geek.
x.

Girl in...

2009-01-28T08:58:00.001-08:00

Wednesday 28th January 2009.

Friends are the most important people in our lives at the moment... or at least for a lot of us, myself included. But should there be a point when you're allowed to put someone in front of your friends, or at least equal with them?
I guess we all have new things to learn all of the time, and for those of us who've already learnt them it seems so obvious. But surely it's just common sense isn't it?
I guess I always do this though don't I. Maybe I actually have a few lessons to learn myself.
Also, I can't believe I forgot my book for a Literature exam!!!

Girl in...
x.

Girl sharing the love to you all.

2009-01-27T14:15:00.001-08:00

Tuesday 27th January 2009.

"our God-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved" says Jason Mraz.
Well if it's our right why do so many people go without it for so long, or sometimes never at all?
If it's a right then why do so many people go out of their way to take it away from others? I think Mr Mraz has it all figured, the answers to world peace.
When everyone realises that we all need to be loved, made feel special once in a while then we can all work together and be happy.
Oh, doesn't it sound so easy!
Make people feel loved, you'll probably find that it will reflect back on you in more ways than you ever thought possible.

Do something today that you'll be proud of tomorrow.
Girl sharing the love to you all.
x.

Girl with asperation.

2009-01-26T14:26:00.001-08:00

Monday 26th January 2009.

There's someone in my mind that I want to be in everything that I ever do, but I never seem to quite live up to that person. Does everyone have a person within them that never quite breaks out? Or is it just another one of my strange notions?
Is it a constant dissapointment for us to always have something we can never quite reach, or is it asperational to have something to look up to and hope for?
I don't think it is just one of my notions though, I think everybody likes to think of themself turning into the amazing person they know they can be. The sad thing is a lot of us never actually grow into that person.
I hope I'm not sitting here in twenty, thirty years time still waiting to become that person.
Right now I'm determind to become the person I want to become so much. Surely that would be the greatest accomplishment in your life, to be someone you'd be proud to know.

Girl with asperation.
x.

Girl still smiling.

2009-01-25T13:55:00.001-08:00

Sunday 25th January 2009.

Do you think people know the effect they have on you?
The nervousness...
Do you think people do things with the intention of making you smile?
If they do. It works every time.

L for Love?
Girl still smiling.
x.

Girl near the edge.

2009-01-23T15:21:00.000-08:00

Friday 23rd January 2009.

A perfect day, almost, but if it were complete then it wouldn't leave room for improvement; and that there's always room for.
I don't think I've stopped smiling all day to be honest. Although I know today has been a parallell day for other people.
Do you ever get the feeling that things are going a little too well. We spend so much of our time moaning about all the problems in our lives, then when they seem to disappear we suddenly become acutely alert for anything negative. Does that mean that happiness isn't actually all that good because it makes us too vulnerable... too close to the edge? People who are said to live life on the edge always glory about how wonderful it is. Happiness is very close to a dangerous edge so come to think of it... living life on the edge must be walking a line of happiness.
Surely the vulnerability is worth the happiness?

RIP Uncle Don

He makes me smile.
Girl near the edge.
x.

Girl priorortising.

2009-01-21T12:48:00.000-08:00

Wednesday 21st January 2008.

Another day passes by.
I'm struggling to decipher my priorities, I really can't decide what's the most important thing. Should school work always come first at this point in life? Or should family come before everything at any time in life? Or should you always think about yourself first?
Personally I'd go with the school work, because you only get one chance at it. But the rejection to your family is pretty heartless, but what if it gets in the way of school work? In all honesty I think if i voiced these concerns I know they'd get shunted down because no one else notices them and I'm probably making more out of things than is there to begin with, however it does make me feel a little thoughtless sometimes.
And as important as you are to yourself, I think the key to being a good person is to always have at least one person who is more important to you than you are to yourself. I like having someone to put in that place, but sometimes I do just wonder whether everyone put other people before themself.

Girl priorortising.
x.

Girl warming up.

2009-01-19T15:06:00.001-08:00

Monday 19th January 2009.

What makes someone a cold hearted person? Is it them being selfish towards the feelings of others, or is it not actually acknowledging the feelings in the first place? I think there are situations where both apply to people who are cold hearted. Although a lot of the time people get wrongly accused of being cold hearted when in actual fact they're just playing someone at their own game.
Is someone cold hearted if they're chosing one person's happiness over another, or are they just decisive? I guess that would depend on which person you asked.
Often I think people get misjudged for being cold hearted when in actual fact they are very warm hearted people, you just need to get close enough to feel the heat.

Don't forget we only get what we give.
Girl warming up.
x.

Girl REVISING.

2009-01-18T11:02:00.000-08:00

17th & 18th January 2009.

I'm curious... do we conform to the latest fashion so that we fit in with people, or so we can try and stand out? Is it just a way of attracting the opposite sex, or is it a battle for status with your own sex?
Personally I love fashion, and one of my favourite things to do is to go shopping. I don't particularly look at it as anything of the above, merely a socialisng event that I enjoy. If I'm brutally honest I do use it as a way of trying to stand out and it has it's advantages of attracting the opposite sex... but both of those points are second grade motives.
I think fashion is as competitive and popular as it is for one main reason. It allows everyone to become anyone. It's an accepted form of playing 'dress up'. I love the fact that you can be a different person any day of the week, a walking piece of art.
Men moan about women spending all their money on clothes, but why is that such an issue? Shopping, fashion, accessoires; they're all just a different form of a hobby. Men have sports, wine, cars, films, video games...
Fashion is just another hobby, it doesn't hurt anyone, but can make everyone feel 100% better about themselves.
I know I'll have succeeded in life when I get my own walk-in-wardrobe.
Can you tell this weekend all I've done is go shopping and revise for psychology?

Girl REVISING
x.

Girl with chapped lips.

2009-01-16T14:47:00.001-08:00

Friday 16th January 2009.

It's been four months since I started doing my blogs. That's one third of the time I intend to do one per day. I'm still not entirely sure why I'm doing it, because the main outcome from it seems to be snide comments from people at school about me not doing my homework because I've been doing this instead. Oh well, I've said I'm doing it so I intend to see it though.
Right now I feel fairly damn tired, it always surprises me just how tiring an evening of lying in front of the telly and in bed can be.
Right now it's raining. I do tire of the rain something rotten a lot of the time but then there's the odd occasion you can hear it drumming against your window, when you're cosy and warm inside, and it's quite nice.
No doubt about it I do love the summer, but I think there's something nice about the winter. It gives you more of an excuse to stay cuddled up in the warmth and fill a day with nothing.
Also, people talk more in the winter - over a nice cup of tea. Summer can't even compare with winter when it comes to the tea.

Cuddle up with someone this winter.
Girl with chapped lips.
x.

Girl full of belief.

2009-01-14T14:51:00.001-08:00

Wednesday 14th January 2009.

Imagine knowing someone your whole life then suddenly they take both your hands completely by surprise. My best friend showed me today that she isn't just as amazing as I already knew she was but that there was a whole new person inside of her.
Some people you read about in magazines, others in films, others in books about how talented they are and they'll be the next big star. Well this girl doesn't need magazines, films or books to sing her praises. She has the whole of the belief from every single one of her friends, and that is more valuable to a person than any front page story.
Tonight makes me stand by what I said a few nights ago even more. At the moment we're all living in a microcosm of our big dreams. Hopefully the microcosm gets bigger, not our dreams getting smaller.

Live as if you'll die tomorrow, dream as if you'll live forever.
Girl full of belief.
x.

Girl happy because of him.

2009-01-13T14:35:00.000-08:00

Tuesday 13th January 2008.

Today has been such a great day for no spectacular reason; the best reason of all.
One of my main reasons for loving my school so much is not just the fact it's a brilliant school but the teachers don't make it a chore. They know the rules as well as we do but they appreciate when they're allowed to be broken to make school that little bit more interesting. I think the most important quality in a teacher is to be able to successfully differenciate between the rules and fun and having a good balance between the two.
Then tonight took me a little by surprise but made my day even better!

Girl happy because of him.
x.

Girl choosing her path.

2009-01-12T14:55:00.000-08:00

Monday 12th January 2009.

Today I was talking with a friend of mine about how people follow their dreams. At the moment it seems as though my friends and I are all on the beginning of the road towards what we want to do.
I guess at this stage in our lives the paths are quite broad and easy to find your way along. As you get older the paths get narrower and disguised more and more.
I guess my biggest fear in life is to lose my way somewhere, or to find that there's not enough room for me on the path I want to go along. I guess the only way we can ensure we remain on our path for as long as possible is to listen to all the directions people offer us on our way.
The nice thing about life is just how many paths there are on offer to us all. Where I want to be today might not be my intended path tomorrow. Isn't that lovely that we have so much opportunity open to us for the rest of our life?
The greatest thing I could ever see in my life would be to see all of my friends firmly set on the path they want to be on.

Do we choose our path or does our path choose us?
Girl choosing her path.
x.

Girl perfectly idle.

2009-01-11T15:28:00.000-08:00

Sunday 11th January 2009.

An idle Sunday. Perfect.
The one good thing the bible tells us is that Sundays should be a day of rest, I would vow myself a Christian just to live by that rule.
Today has been a day of learning, however. I've been taught the rules of snooker and darts, and taught how to fully appreciate the skills applied in both... I'm still trying to understand that lesson. I can identify the skills but I think I'm failing to appreciate watching balls bouncing across a table and sticks being struck into a colourful board.
I also tried to teach a lesson in how to peel a potato - that didn't really work either.
I know my blogs are usually vaguely philosophical, but things can't always stick to a plan. Like lessons, we try to get everyone around to our way of thinking almost every day in one way or another. A lesson we all have to learn, willingly or not, is that your way isn't the only way.

Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.
Girl perfectly idle.
x.

Girl timing it out.

2009-01-10T16:04:00.001-08:00

Saturday 10th January 2009.

Timing in our life is just as, if not more, important than the actual events themselves. Why is it that we get challenged so often with the sequencing of our lives, is that how we're supposed to judge ourselves?
This time round I don't plan on making any misjudgements (we never do, do we?). The timing will be flawless, distractions are often what ruin our planned sequences. But a distraction is only that, it shouldn't make a significant alteration.
I do worry about myself sometimes and why I write these. I can barely interpret what I've just written.

Girl timing it out.
x.

Girl perfectly happy.

2009-01-09T17:07:00.001-08:00

Friday 9th January 2009.

Today I've been wondering about how we keep ourselves happy from day to day. When we look at the entire length of our life it may seem to fly by but it is actually a lot of time. Is it possible to keep happy for a lifetime? I certainly hope so, but is that just living for a dream or is it actually truthful?
Living under circumstances with war or famine going on around you it does make us wonder how we could ever be happy when we know so many others are so distant from it. So that raises the question, do we just need to make ourselves happy or does the contentment of others actually satisfy us as well?
We can all offer our sympathy towards those who need it, but we only actually effectively lose our happiness if we ourselves experience unfortune.
Right now I bet you're all thinking up of a handful of people that you would feel their pain. I agree with that, but I still stand by what I said, that we only feel our own emotional pain. Because every one of that handful of people all own a part of you in some way, shape or form.

We only feel the pain and happiness of others besides ourselves, if they actually live in a place within us.
Girl perfectly happy.
x.

Girl returned with happiness.

2009-01-08T13:17:00.000-08:00

Thursday 8th January 2008.

My first day back home.
Doesn't it really irritate you when things don't go quite to plan, you're so close but you can't quite touch it. Does that make things nearer to impossible or better when you actually get them?
Today I've felt that homely feeling. You can be anywhere in the world with any person and it still doesn't come close to being at home with your favourite people. It's lovely to experience a little part of someone else's life but only if we return with happiness. We should all understand how people live but to prefer your life more is a wonderful thing - otherwise how would you live with happiness?

Travel the world, be guided by the people in it, but always remember the way around to guide travellers around your home.
Girl returned with happiness.
x.

Girl going away.

2008-12-21T14:01:00.000-08:00

Sunday 21st December 2008.

I've watched 6 films today! How cool am I?
I've also completely decided that I love Christmas, not expecially the day but the run up to it. I see people a lot more often and I see a lot more people. Everyone's so much more welcoming and happy. It's great.
It feels so weird being out of the country at Christmas time. It sort of feels a little bit rude. Like walking out of a room just as someone else walks in.
This is my last blog for a couple of weeks while I'm on the farm in Argentina. So I want everyone to have an amazing Christmas and New Year, and I hope you all get everything you want.
I've been very lucky this year.
I'm going to miss everyone so much!!! Christmas is supposed to be all happy, but it actually feels quite sad this year.
Have a good one.

Merry Christmas Everybody.
Girl going away.
x.

Girl snuggled.

2008-12-20T16:43:00.001-08:00

Friday 19th December 2008.
Saturday 20th December 2008.

My two Christmases at home... and boy have they been good.
Yesterday I spent the day with my mom's family. It was so good to see my cousin's baby daughter. She's only five and a half months old but she's growing up so fast, and she's absolutely gorgeous. She's at the stage where she smiles whenever I make a funny noise, which is quite a lot.
Then on the night was my house warming party. Was it the best party we've had or the worst? For very different reasons. Even though there was a lot of drunkeness and crying it was still a good night. Well I got something I've wanted for quite a while anyway.
Then today has been the best Christmas ever. In all honesty if it was a real Christmas day (then obviously I couldn't have gone shopping but other than that) then I would have loved to spend it the way I did. We finally have a sofa in the flat, so this afternoon was spend snuggled up with 'someone' watching Pirates of the Carribean.
Tonight, I've been at my nan's house for my Uncle's birthday and my Christmas. It's been such a brilliant night with all the family together, it hasn't been like that at Christmas for a long long time, but it's finally back the way it should be. Everyone's spent the night laughing together about 'how it used to be'. And I'm old enough now to appriciate that Christmas isn't just about receiving presents, because I do take so much joy out of giving someone a present. However, I can't explain how great the present off my dad is.
Thank you.
To everyone I've spent time with over the last few days, thank you for being there, the way you always are.

Christmas isn't a season it's a feeling.
Girl snuggled.
x.

Girl forgetting homework.

2008-12-18T16:36:00.000-08:00

Thursday 19th December 2008.

Today was a day I was supposed to spend doing my homework that I won't be doing while I'm in Argentina... but instead I've been distracted by comedy tv, my friends and god knows what else. Should I do double the work tomorrow, or should I just think sod it it's Christmas?
Dad seems to be having the time of his life at the moment. Going out whenever he pleases, and coming home along the same guidelines. I have to hand it to him he's being amazing. I wish I could not let things get to me.
Over the years I am getting better at it, but then sometimes I still let little things annoy me.
At the moment there's the one major thing. - Why can't people not get involved in other peoples' business. Especially when they don't even acknowledge the other person usually.

My friends are my little family I've created. Love it.
Girl forgetting homework.
x.

Girl still living through the mistakes.

2008-12-17T13:55:00.001-08:00

Wednesday 17th December 2008.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again - There's nothing like a day that wasn't planned, but turned out randomly good.
I'm noticing more and more just how hard it is to write the blogs when I'm happy and there's nothing wrong. (Not that I'm asking for any dialemas or anything!)
I've started thinking about my new year's resolutions. I haven't got my final ones yet but I'm thinking it should mainly be along the lines of 'work harder at school'.
Why is it that in most circumstances and situations we always know the right thing to do, and we know exactly where we're going wrong... and yet we repeat the same mistake over and over again? Is that just another one of the curiosities of human nature or is there a reasonable answer to it.
People say we learn from our mistakes, but I'm afraid to say that a lot of people don't. Otherwise why would people continually trip up over the same hurdle?

I love the photos in my bedroom.
Girl still living through the mistakes.
x.

Girl feeling festive.

2008-12-16T14:36:00.001-08:00

Tuesday 16th December 2008.

Well, I am officially feeling Christmassy. A little late I may grant it, but its quality is priceless. Today we went carol singing around the Pheasy estate with the teachers, and it was so fun! That is the type of thing Christmas should be all about. It isn't about asking people for what you want it's about spreading happiness in as many different ways as possible.
Tonight has been a very childish night, but in a great way. It's nice to know that however sensible you have to be most of the time and how fast we have to grow up sometimes that you can still enjoy times that are innocent. I love laughing at things that aren't even that funny, with people that don't think I'm weird for laughing at them... or they do but they stick around despite that.
It's also reassuring to know that however much time, people and places change that some things linger for a lot longer.
Sorry if I don't seem to have a poignant message for you all this evening, but I am just truly happy for no majorly obvious reason. I guess I've realised I have pretty much I could ever ask for and more.
I love everyone in my life right now.

9 Days...
Girl feeling festive.
x.

Girl warm.

2008-12-15T14:07:00.001-08:00

Monday 15th December 2008.

Who is happier... someone reaching their goal early, or someone who worked long and hard to get there?
In life some people get their opportunities given to them too early for their own good. Often it's opportunities that they won't get offered ever again, but at the time it's too early for them to be really beneficial and actually be filled to their full potential. Other people get offered chances later than they would have wanted them and by that time they don't believe in what they used to anyway.
Is an opportunity actually valuable if it doesn't come at the right time or can it end up being destructive?
I'd like to think that being given a chance at any point in your life is a precious gift. However, deep down I know that it isn't true. There's a time and a place for everything, how ever wonderful it may seem. If it isn't your time or your place then sometimes the best thing is to let things pass. You never know. If it's meant to happen it will return at a better time and place.

What's meant to be will be.
Girl warm.
x.

Girl looking forward to a new world.

2008-12-14T10:15:00.000-08:00

Sunday 14th December 2008.

Last night I had a big discussion over dinner about preconceptions. Do we all judge too early about someone or something? Or is an early judgement the most truthful?
I am aware I do it, and I think everybody does - whether it be conciously or otherwise. The truth of the matter is I don't think it's the preconceptions we have of people that cause the conflict, it's the way we act upon them and whether we're open minded enough to change them.
Some of us are black and some of us are white. Some of us are fat and some of us are thin. Some rich and some poor. Some thoughtful, some selfish, some good and some bad. By now we should all be well aware of the surroundings we live in and how different we all are. Difference is one of the greatest gifts we've all been given and within that difference we should unite to embrace it.
I can't wait to live in a world where no one judges people for something they think they are and not waiting before granting that decision. I can't wait to live in a world where people accept and enjoy.
If a lot of people agree with this then why isn't it opening up before us all?
The future holds the need to be educated. Not in geography, trigonometry or biochemistry... but in each other. Until we can understand the people we live with now how can we expect to move forward?

Create today the world you want to live in tomorrow.
Girl looking forward to a new world.
x.

Girl humming.

2008-12-13T10:31:00.001-08:00

Saturday 13th December 2008.

I watched a documentary today. It was about how songs and music have affected people over time and how they have changed.
A few years ago someone said to me, "Life doesn't revolve around music." Well I beg to differ. (Here we go again...)
Many people have a birth song, if they don't then they almost definitely have songs played at a christening or a naming ceremony. At your 6th birthday party, your 16th, your 60th! All of these occasions are encrusted in songs. If anyone reminds you of a party you've been to I can almost guarentee that you can remember an exact song that was played there. Significant times or moments in your life can be associated with a song. We pick songs to be played at our funerals, weddings and every other occasion possible. Every day when you drive to work you have music played on the radio. Songs can define a person. Songs can make you happy, sad, laugh, cry or just simply smile as you remember the first time you heard it.
So for someone to say to me that, "Life doesn't revolve around music." Well let's just say that for someone to make such a claim they must be deaf or very well isolated.

-Yeah, I really do...

There's a song in everyone's heart.
Girl humming.
x.

Girl with her friends.

2008-12-12T15:42:00.001-08:00

Friday 12th December 2008.

Well today has been an absolutely brilliant day. I don't think I've laughed this much in a long long time. All my lessons have been funny, and with some of my favourite people.
Tonight I planned on sitting in all night doing my English Literature essay. The the buzzer goes and the girls turn up. I love nights like this. All we've done is sit and talk and watch old videos. And I know my dad will come in and not be annoyed there are people here till midnight.
I honestly do think this is happiness in a room.
One thing could make me a lot happier right now. Who knows, it might just happen...?

We decide whether we're happy or not.
Girl with her friends.
x.

Girl feeling Christmassy.

2008-12-11T14:32:00.000-08:00

Thursday 11th December 2008.

Today Christmas has hit me. Walking through town after school there was Fairytale of New York playing in the street, that feeling can't be linked with any other feeling we may ever possess.
How can people not like Christmas? It's something I really can't relate with. How can someone not enjoy the one time of the year where the smallest gesture can bring the biggest smile upon someone's face. It's the perfect time to let people know how you feel.
It's quite sad to think that in the world we live in Christmas Day seems to be the only day of the year that we still actually devote to family. Therefore if it is the only family day left in the year it should be valued.

I love buying Christmas presents for people. What a nice feeling is it to buy something that you know will put a smile on their face? If you think about it that is what we spend a lot of our time doing all the time. So buying gifts should be a great thing for us to do because it's our chance to pick things that will allow us to accomplish our every day task.
When buying your gifts this year make sure you think about what you're buying. Don't just buy everyone the same thing. It's boring, and makes you look like you couldn't be bothered.

The saddest thing in the world is to wake up on Christmas morning and realise you're not a child.
Girl feeling Christmassy.
x.

Girl meeting another deadline.

2008-12-10T15:26:00.000-08:00

Wednesday 10th December 2008.

I can't explain how exhausted I am right now. It's been an incredibly busy day. I always say I like busy days, but I wouldn't say no to a nice quiet day where there are no deadlines to be met or anything like that. I haven't had one of those in a while.
Today we had the X-Factor night at school which went really well. I'd like to say how well everyone performed, everyone was so amazing!
And joining onto last night's blog I think I've decided upon something that's been occupying my mind for quite a while now. Of course I'm not going to give it away quite that easy, that would be very unlike the natural way of the cripticness of my blogs.

Which is better? A hectic day or a quite one...
Girl meeting another deadline.
x.

Girl waiting for a firework.

2008-12-09T12:03:00.001-08:00

Tuesday 9th December 2008.

Back to my daily analysis of the life that I surround myself with, or is it the life that surrounds me? Do we actually get a choice in where we live, how we live or who we live with?
I do believe we all do get dealt a set of cards, as in any game of chance some people’s hands are easier and some are harder. But we must always bear in mind that it isn’t how we begin it’s how we finish. Your choices are half chance, sometimes we just need enough courage to take the chance, otherwise we end up living in the risk free realm. This is wonderful if you never want great loss, but without great loss you can never gain great success.
Meandering away from that analytical rambling I have another obtrusive thought. How do you know when the moment is right? People always say they’re waiting for the right moment, but who is it that signifies when it is? Never yet have I come across a parade of fireworks as a subtle signal. Beforehand the uncertainty fills me up and afterwards I am left only with regret. I do often wonder what the specific emotion is that hides in between.
There are moments when my impulses indicate to only one thing. But if the instincts only lie in moments then should I wait until they turn into time, days or weeks... or does that go against so much that I believe in? I guess it comes down to, should life be lived for the moment of chance or the years of stability?

It’s easy to give advice, harder to understand it and almost impossible to put it into practise. If you figure out how, do let me know.
Girl waiting for a firework.
x.

Girls changing the world.

2008-12-09T10:34:00.001-08:00

Thursday 4th December 2008.
Saturday 6th December 2008.

The BBC.
Over the last couple of days my best friend and I have been working with the BBC to make a documentary on Children in Politics.
When I first got the phone call about it I was absolutely amazed that after a few short months we’d been singled out to do something so spectacular. After the original shock came excitement... Then came the work.
We had to plan and organise things for them to film and work on our answers to some of the most difficult questions we’d ever been asked. Why were we so interested in making a difference? Why do we think we can change the world?
The day when they came to school went well, all going to plan. Although it seemed as though the school took a little too much credit for it. Letters were distributed saying how the school had been asked to do this documentary. Ok I know people can get a little too ahead of themselves sometimes, and maybe we were, but nevertheless it was our hard work that had got us there, the school was only supposed to be a filming location. But of course, I’m never one to complain.
Then came Saturday 6th December; a day that will live within me for many years to come. National Climate Change day; the day of the march. We met up again with the BBC journalist and camera man who planned to follow us all day and ask us some more questions. Once we’d met the people from the UK YCC the whole event began to drop into place. I truly began to feel why we were there and I could physically see before me how we were making a difference.
As the day progressed we became more at ease with the whole situation, it isn’t an everyday experience to be staked by the BBC and someone constantly asking you questions. The answers to the earlier asked questions were now forming clearer answers in my head. Why, exactly, were we so interested in making a difference? We are the youngest members of the YCC and only been a part of it for nearly four months and yet already we’ve seen and experienced things I’d never have even dreamt we’d have the opportunity to do. And why do two sixteen year old girls think they can change the world? Personally I don’t. However the world is made up of people, people just like you and me. I know that occasionally someone comes along and inspires me and makes me think about things I’d never dared to dream of before. If our world is full of people with thoughts along similar lines to mine or can relate to that in any way then although two sixteen year old girls cannot change the world I am positive we will have a good go at trying to change the people in it.
Working with the YCC and the BBC I have learnt a lot. That there are people out there who are willing to stand up for something they believe in, whether or not it coincides with the beliefs of those who surround them. Secondly, while spending time out side of the documentary with the BBC men, they taught us a great deal too. That whatever we wanted to do in life not to delude our dreams and just become satisfied with what is expected of us. Instead we should aspire to do more than the expected – and do something we enjoy.
The experience has been about Climate Change and taking our turn and chance to make a difference and work towards a better future for everyone. But while taking that route some other important lessons have been learnt and enjoyed.
These accomplishments have been the best in my life so far and I honestly couldn’t be more grateful than I am as to whom I have shared it with. I know we’ll always be standing together to share every success our future holds.

Never stop being better because that is when you stop being good.
Girls changing the world.
x.

Girl with a can of beans.

2008-12-08T12:56:00.001-08:00

25th November - 8th December 2008.

Some of you may notices, some of you may not. Some of you might be glad to be rid of them, some of you may have missed them. Not to worry though, my blogs are back from their brief departure.

In the last few weeks my life’s taken a drastic turn. Actually, I’m not sure if that is the way to describe it. Have we turned back the way we came? Or have we sped ahead and bought on the inevitable?

For once, I’m going to be explicit with what I have to say. My dad and I have moved out. We’ve moved from our ‘family’ and the house bought for us to all live in together happily ever after. To some that might sound upsetting, daunting, scary. For those who know better will understand the relief.

Since we moved out, we stayed with my Nan % Granddad for a week with the four of us living in a two bedroomed house and me sleeping on a sofa bed. I felt more comfortable and at home that I ever did in that house.

During these few weeks I’ve learnt some important lessons that will stay with me for some many years to come.

The first one being that money doesn’t make you happy. It might put a smile on your face and make things a little easier, but in the long run, if you don’t have the bare necessities in life then money will get you nowhere. It may buy you a house or car, but if you have noone to live with or go and visit then what do they actually account for?

My second lesson is about marriage. I can’t speak from first hand experience but I’ve been a part of two now and I think it is possible to learn a lot from just observing. I haven’t been put off, but neither am I eager to go running into it feet first. I’m not sure anyone has a perfect marriage, in fact, ‘perfect marriage’ is a complete oxymoron, however, if we don’t have a littlee magic, belief and hope then there’s never going to be a reason to try and reach a little bit further, run that little bit faster or walk into the unknown. I can’t imagine a single person I could love every day for the rest of my life. I think that would be one of the hardest things to do in life. But just because I can’t imagine them doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

Another thing I’ve learnt about is just how incredible my parents really are. Since living here I’ve had long conversations with my dad every night. One night we stayed up until midnight talking… just talking.On my day off, everyone went out with their friends, I went out shopping with my mom for the day. Parenting must be a hard job to do, it’s something everyone expects you to get rightm but never actually tell you how to not go wrong. Some how my parents have had the rules, tuahgt me the lessons and made their mistakes along the way, and along with all that they become two of my best friends. Two of my favourite people in the world.

Also, just like everything else in life friendship has a sell – by date. Some are like a can of beans; you’ve always got them and they’re ready whenever you need them. Others are like ice cream; lovely in small doses but never last too long. They you have the home made meal. If you can’t have it the first time around then you can always freeze it for a while and rehear it when you’re ready. Although there’s only so many times you can reheat it before it does some serious damage.

So those are my life lessons learnt so far. I’ve had quite an education in these two weeks. I’m not sure if everybody would learn that in their whole life. Is that good that they’re blissfully oblivious? Or bad that they’re totally naïve?

Never stop trying to obtain the obtainable.

Girl with a can of beans.

x.

Girl on the move again.

2008-11-24T10:02:00.001-08:00

Monday 24th November 2008.

Just been on the phone with the guy from the BBC to discuss exactly what he wants to film for his documentary and all that sort of thing. I do have to say that it all seems so exciting!
On the other hand why do people confuse me so much most of the time. When you think about it life is seriously crammed full with all the torments and challenges delicately stringed together with the nice moments. These are the moments that lead us to believe we are happy even when we're living under circumstances we aren't actually happy with.
I live for these moments, as do a lot of other people I'm sure.
Moving into the new flat tonight.

Our new start.
Girl on the move again.
x.

Girl unsure.

2008-11-23T11:35:00.001-08:00

Sunday 23rd November 2008.

I don't quite understand why people are so unsure of everything. Maybe they always have been and now I'm only just realising it.
If someone's your best friend surely they're supposed to be able to forgive and forget. If they don't then eventually you learn to live with it and hopefully not make the same mistakes again. On the other hand how are you supposed to react when they do forgive and forget... but only for a while before they bring it all back up again.
Maybe that's why people are so unsure of everything. We never can predict the stability of a friendship.
Friendships are supposed to be the strongest relationship you could ever have. So why does it get so easily pushed to the side and quickly replaced?
Hopefully I'll get better at the friendship thing...

Books and friends should be good but few.
Girl unsure.
x.

Girl surprised.

2008-11-22T15:23:00.001-08:00

Saturday 22nd November 2008.

Well today has been very busy. We went all the way to Wales to go and pick a table up off my dad's friend. Good chats about uni in the back of the car on the way there, and I became very hairy from the dog very soon after we got there.
I got laughed at because I didn't know the colours of football teams' kits.
Later on this evening I've had an amazing surprise.
You don't really realise just how much you've missed someone until you suddenly see them again. Everything around me has altered lately but it hasn't really changed.. and then in waltzes my Navy guy. He's grown up and changed so much. It's amazing to see someone fulfilling what they've always wanted to do. They may have done it differently to how I would have and I have judged them, but now it's perfectly clear to me that they're exactly where they want to be, even if they did do it slightly different.
People change. I know that without a doubt. One comforting thing to remember though is that however much people may change relationships can always remain.

Missing someone gets easier everyday because even though you are one day further from the last time you saw them, you are one day closer to the next time you will.
Girl surprised.
x.

Girl looking at the past.

2008-11-21T13:06:00.001-08:00

Friday 21st November 2008.

Have you ever had a day that brought you rushing into your past?
Today is another step into my new life, however as I'm walking into it I seemed to have stopped to turn around and be reminded of how it used to be - perhaps how it should have been. I guess life isn't about 'should have been'.
It's a nice reminder and lovely to recall some of the happiest times of my life, as long as I remember that they're in the past. Happy times can be recreated in new adventures.
The happiest times in your life are often those that were never amazingly outstanding at the time, but when you look back on them you think that it couldn't have been any better... if only you'd have appreciated it a little more at the time. Or is that not the case at all? Maybe just because it isn't perfect right now we fool ourselves into believeing that perhaps that was perfection? Maybe neither were, we just still haven't found it yet.
I guess all we can do is continue along our path in hope of finding this 'perfection' somewhere along the way.

The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself. - Anna Quindlen.
Girl looking at the past.
x.

Girl pretty sweet.

2008-11-20T14:39:00.000-08:00

Thursday 20th November 2008.

I've just hunted through boxes looking for Great Expectations. Not to worry though, it's been located! I'm extremely pleased to find my last page still indicated with an old train ticket. I must have been reading it on the train to my mom's.
So life seems pretty sweet on the daily basis at the moment. I got an A on an essay in Literature, I finished my book (you have to love that feeling), I'm being interviewed for the BBC and the new flat is lovely and homely.
I guess life is amazingly unpredictable and is always lurching in the most unexpected corner ready to frighten us to death or greet us with a welcoming hand. The juxtaposition of one day to the next is engaging, always keeping us tuned in. That is life though isn't it. It wouldn't be called living if it didn't nearly kill us every now and again.

Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out of it alive anyway.
Girl pretty sweet.
x.

Girl working hard.

2008-11-19T13:54:00.000-08:00

Wednesday 19th November 2008.

Today I went to Cambridge University. A real eye opener.
I've always known it was perhaps The best university in the country, however I've never really accepted that until today. Just walking around, you don't even need to go into it, to understand this. You can almost feel the knowledge drifting around you. The want - almost the need to plunge into it is present in every corner of the campus.
The people that walk around you seem almost real. Unthinkable isn't it? They even act real, and normal too. Surely people that clever don't actually live in the same way we do?!
I've never been to a place that holds so much beauty, knowledge and history in such a small place. There's not a alcove, corner or crevis that doesn't have a story to tell. Eight hundred years worth of lives have passed through the doors, leaving as a different person as to when you walked in. Only spending five and a half hours there, and I already feel different.
I know how hard I have to work now, I'm unbelievably determind.

Also.
Got the keys today. It's not quite Cambridge manner, but it's cosy and homely. I walked in and felt more at home than I ever did at Hawley. Going to really make it work.

Sometimes, against all expectations things do get better. Little by little.
Girl working hard.
x.

Girl opportunistic.

2008-11-18T13:22:00.001-08:00

Tuesday 18th November 2008.

A day and half!
Lost in translation is a term to define today. People constantly not understanding the message you're trying to portray to them... Usually they're perfectly capable of understanding it, they just don't want to admit it to themselves. God forbid they'd actually put a foot out of place!
On the other had a wonderful opportunity. I had a phone call off someone from the UK Youth Climate Coalition, saying they wanted young people to go to a march protest taking place in Hyde Park on 6th December and to do an interview with BBC. We'd been reccommended for it and they've invited us down!
Can't wait!!

It's not how you begin, it's how you end.
Girl opportunistic.
x.

Girl two faced.

2008-11-17T14:51:00.001-08:00

Monday 17th November 2008.

Funny isn't it just how many people we know.
How many of them do we love? How many do we hate? How many do we forget about?...
I think the most interesting category of people however lies inbetween the like and hate. The people that we fool ourselves we have to like, and the do the same on their behalf... but in actual fact you both know that deep down inside you can't stand the sight of each other. You try to find common ground and share interests, but you know that as soon as it's been shared you no longer want to admit to liking it.
Anything that slightly resembles them inside of you, makes you all of a sudden very unsure of yourself.
How many of these people exist in your life?

Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but kisses of an enemy are deceitful.
Girl two faced.
x.